Sad and depressed

I was feeling sad and depressed. He had been gone for a week and I felt horrible. I felt that no one cared about. Since he left I had lost my attention. we spoke often and we fought often. I needed him. So much had happened in the past several weeks. I could not comprehend it all, the accident, the miscarriage, and now the loneliness. I felt alone and abandoned.

Being left to my thoughts I was a disappointment. I felt I was a disappointment to all. I wanted to succeed but I didn't know how to define it. Was succeeding just a synonym for surviving? Was it being a good wife? was t being a vessel to bring another child into the world? I didn't like where I worked. The atmosphere was not inviting and left me feeling that being me in itself was a failure. I had no one to talk to so I wrote. I wrote letters to him about how much I missed him, I wrote in my journal to help sort out my thoughts, and I wrote to the child that never had the opportunity to become mine.

Things needed to happen. I needed to see him and hold him. I needed to remove myself from this situation. I trusted no one and therefore felt I had no outlet. I slowly started the process to separate from the Navy. This is what I needed to do to survive. I needed to commit myself to our relationship and lose myself in it so I could emerge into something I wanted to be. Someone that did not disappoint. The process was not as hard as I expected it to be.

 I knew that by him by my side I could accomplish not just anything but everything that I wanted in life. I loved him more each day. The longer we were apart the easier it was to love him. I created a fantasy world for us. I pieced together lives from all those shows I watched growing up, The cosby show, growing pains, family ties. I knew our life would become one giant sitcom.

It's so hard to say goodbye

My ship had pulled in and I needed to at some point to check in. My father had left and my husband was due to leave that morning. It had felt very comfortable to have him there. I enjoyed spending time with him.  It felt so grown up. I checked into my division and then we were told to go on liberty. As I was getting off the ship I saw him. He was supposed to have left that morning but he changed his flight so he could spend a couple more hours with me.

We went shopping. Our favorite pastime. we had lunch and then it was time to take him to the airport. We took a cab to the airport. He had already checked in his luggage so it was just a matter of waiting till he boarded. He boarded the plane and I sat there and watched. I watched as the plane pulled out. I watched as it took off. I stayed watching wanting to remember his scent, his touch, his lips. At that moment I finally understood the commitment that we had made. we had gained a relationship as husband and wife. we had united in soul and in heart. we had gone through so much together, in our short time together we had lifted each other in time of difficulty. He had become more than my best friend, we was my companion. I continued to watch until I could no longer tell the difference between the sky and the plane.

Exclusive

I decide that it was time to be exclusive. we had been doing this thing for a while and perhaps I should only be caring about his attention. So I said it, "lets be exclusive". "ok" he answered. Very anticlimactic but it was a yes nonetheless. I was getting ready to be shipped out sometime soon, no definite date but soon. He was getting ready to change schools. We decided that this could be what we wanted it to be, a meaningful relationship that would end when the times change.

I enjoyed being attached to him. We were doing all the same things as before, hanging out, laundry, and shopping but it was different this time we would hold hands and steal kisses. It was great. It was more than something to pass the time away. I felt good about myself. I loved the way he looked at me, the way he hung on my every word. He was all the attention I had been looking for. Then my ship out date came.

I was to go to Hawaii to meet my ship in March. So there was a date now for this thing to end. It was fun while it lasted but I was a little sad. We discussed perhaps trying to make it a long distance relationship but we both new it wouldn't work out. We both knew that we would find another person to fill the void that would be left. So in the end we were trying to take advantage of the time we had left, two weeks. One night as we were discussing what our plans were for the next coming months I turned to him and said "Marry me" and he said "ok".

What I was looking for

I met him when I was 18.  I was in the Navy and at a prestigious trade school. I had joined the Navy when I was 17 and turned 18 in bootcamp. I met him one day in line for dinner. He was introduced to me by a mutual friend and he was just some guy I had met. Throughout the next 2 weeks every time he saw me he would run across the quad to say hi to me, even though he had a problem remembering my name I enjoyed the attention.

I was dating some random guy at the time. Nothing serious just someone to pass the time away with. I was getting ready to go home for Christmas and before I left I had bought my boyfriend gifts. I had spent probably about $200 on him. I bought 2 outfits and a cd and just random stuff to basically show how pleased I was in the situation I was in. I in turn received my gifts, a stuffed animal and a vhs tape of the grinch who stole christmas. Huh? I just want to make this clear. We did not have some inside joke or admiration for the movie. I had never mentioned how I desired the movie or even that I liked it, I also do not like stuffed animals. I find no purpose in them whatsoever. So I left for home with the thought of what the hell was he thinking. So I went home and visited friends and had fun and then it was time to return. I came back on January 1st and most people were not returning til the 3rd so it was pretty lonely on the base. Somehow I found him and he asked me how my Christmas was. I started to complain about the present my boyfriend had gave me. He then stated "It's the though that counts", I answered with "then obviously he didn't think very hard". That was the beginning of a great friendship.

He became my companion. Nothing romantic just my buddy I hung out with. He introduced me to the group of people he chilled with. I soon became part of the group. We would talk and eat dinner together. we had mandatory study time and would meet up afterwards like around 10 pm, listen to music or do laundry together. He helped me look for the culprit who stole my lingerie from the washer (never found them) and he gave me advice on the idiot boyfriend.  He essentially became my best friend.