He was almost home. We had endured many trials while he was gone.The baby had had another birthday and she was now 2 years old, I had basically endured a pregnancy all by myself. I was ready to leave and be with my husband again. I arrived at the airport and saw him waiting for me. I hugged him sort of, there was huge belly in my way. he kissed me and it just seemed perfect. He picked up his baby and She was a little bit in shock, I think she didn't know if this truly was the man that had left her life a year ago . I had given her a picture of him and everyday reminded her that that was daddy.
She looked at him again and then said "daddy home?"
"Yes honey, daddy is home" he answered and then held her tight. He cried. He had missed so much. She was so big. I just watched and knew that this was it. This is what I wanted in my life. It was perfect, he was perfect for me and she was our creation.
Indeed daddy was home and it was time to continue this family.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Changing Names
When I first got married I was still in the Navy. I was known by my maiden name. I didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my name and having to buy new uniforms. So I decided to not change my name and therefore kept my maiden name. When I got out of the navy I kept putting off changing my name because I didn't to go to the social security office to do all the paperwork. I was known by his last name but officially I still had the name I was born with.
I had decided to go to a community college and applied for financial aid. I had used his last name on the application and it was rejected because the Social Security number did not align with the name. Shoot, now I had to change my name. I was contemplating what I wanted to change it to. My mother had not given a middle name so I could do what my sister did and take my maiden name as my middle name. Or I could hyphen or I just take his last name.
I went to the the Social Security Office, I didn't want him to influence me so I went alone. I filled out the most of the paperwork and then walked up to window, I started to speak to the attendant my dilemma, how I felt I was losing myself in some way or I could take this as a new beginning with a new identity. She looked at me with no emotion on her face and then said "if the application is not filled please go to the back of the line". I panicked, I had already been there for about an hour and didn't want to spend more time there. I quickly wrote down my new last name with no middle name.
I had decided to go to a community college and applied for financial aid. I had used his last name on the application and it was rejected because the Social Security number did not align with the name. Shoot, now I had to change my name. I was contemplating what I wanted to change it to. My mother had not given a middle name so I could do what my sister did and take my maiden name as my middle name. Or I could hyphen or I just take his last name.
I went to the the Social Security Office, I didn't want him to influence me so I went alone. I filled out the most of the paperwork and then walked up to window, I started to speak to the attendant my dilemma, how I felt I was losing myself in some way or I could take this as a new beginning with a new identity. She looked at me with no emotion on her face and then said "if the application is not filled please go to the back of the line". I panicked, I had already been there for about an hour and didn't want to spend more time there. I quickly wrote down my new last name with no middle name.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Packing
I needed to get our packing done. Most of our stuff was in storage unit. I just had some toys for the baby and our clothes that we needed to get packed. the movers would be picking our stuff up from the storage unit so I just had to get everything that I wanted to be shipped to florida there. A piece of cake.
While I had been in California I had started to buy a fisher price kitchen for the now toddler. I had bought her a stove, sink, refrigerator, washer and dryer, a kitchen table with chairs and a toy microwave. She had more furniture than we did. I know she had way more clothes than I did. After several trips I was able to get her things to the storage place. The movers came and packed all my things. We labeled boxes and soon discovered that most of the boxes were labeled with baby's room.
It's hard to see your life and possessions and discover that basically it's just a bunch of boxes with labels. And then I think when I looked at the boxes you soon discovered that half of my life was my daughters possessions I felt a twinge of sadness. She was spoiled. How could she not be, she was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. No wonder she was not excited for this new baby, she realized that either she had to share her possessions or that she no longer would be as spoiled.
While I had been in California I had started to buy a fisher price kitchen for the now toddler. I had bought her a stove, sink, refrigerator, washer and dryer, a kitchen table with chairs and a toy microwave. She had more furniture than we did. I know she had way more clothes than I did. After several trips I was able to get her things to the storage place. The movers came and packed all my things. We labeled boxes and soon discovered that most of the boxes were labeled with baby's room.
It's hard to see your life and possessions and discover that basically it's just a bunch of boxes with labels. And then I think when I looked at the boxes you soon discovered that half of my life was my daughters possessions I felt a twinge of sadness. She was spoiled. How could she not be, she was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. No wonder she was not excited for this new baby, she realized that either she had to share her possessions or that she no longer would be as spoiled.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Share my pain
So these were the new orders 2 schools in Florida for one year. We needed to be there by August 17th. Oh great another perfect birthday present. We would be living in Pensacola, Florida which is part of the panhandle. It's about 1 hour away from Alabama and Georgia, which made it the south. Most people don't think of florida as the south but it is. I would be traveling in the last month of my pregnancy so I spoke to the doctor about some concerns. He suggested that a car trip of that length could cause serious complications and that I should look into delivering the baby and then joining my husband afterwards.
I thought about my choices, so I should I could be alone again but this time with 2 children and one of them being a newborn and then fly alone on a 5 hour plane ride with two children in tow, all the while I haven't been with him for a year and now just add another couple of months vs making a 3 day car trip into a 5 day trip due to frequent stops for my and the baby's safety.
This was his baby and the last thing I was going to allow him to do is not be involved with all the late night feedings and the diaper changing and the jealous sibling. I was already in a state of irritability, I needed him to share my pain.
I thought about my choices, so I should I could be alone again but this time with 2 children and one of them being a newborn and then fly alone on a 5 hour plane ride with two children in tow, all the while I haven't been with him for a year and now just add another couple of months vs making a 3 day car trip into a 5 day trip due to frequent stops for my and the baby's safety.
This was his baby and the last thing I was going to allow him to do is not be involved with all the late night feedings and the diaper changing and the jealous sibling. I was already in a state of irritability, I needed him to share my pain.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Picking new Orders
We were at the six month mark for him to come home. It was that time of the year… time to pick a new assignment. I was excited since we had been at first led to believe that we could have choice of orders. I wanted to go to Europe. I wanted to travel and leave the US. I felt it was better while the babies were still babies because it wouldn't affect schooling. He called so that we could discuss this new chapter in our lives. I thought it would be exciting for a child to say I was born in italy, england, or even japan.
"I want to change my job" he started the conversation.
"Umm what does that mean?"
" I want to work with computers and it requires a year of school in Florida."
"What happened to choice of orders, what happened to my European trip?"
"We can look into that when I get my new job."
"So I basically sacrificed one year for nothing? I spent one year alone with my child while you missed birthdays and holidays and all the hard work I have had to endure just so you could say you want to change jobs, something you could have done stateside! How is this fair to me?"
"I still have to get it all approved. I have a meeting with my career counselor tomorrow."
"Yeah whatever…."
It isn't that I wasn't behind this change, it's just that I felt that someone had pulled the rug out from under me. I had chose to endure all the hardships of being separated because I felt there was some reward in the end . I didn't feel that this was a reward. I was upset and angry. I felt like I was just a pawn in his life. Sometimes an inconvenience. He made the decisions and I just followed him without question. I told myself that i knew what I was getting myself into when I married a navy man but it still didn't make me feel better.
I knew I couldn't hold him back, working with computers would be an upgrade to the job he was doing now and it was a more marketable skill for the civilian world. I knew that his decision had our best interest in mind, I had to trust him.
"I want to change my job" he started the conversation.
"Umm what does that mean?"
" I want to work with computers and it requires a year of school in Florida."
"What happened to choice of orders, what happened to my European trip?"
"We can look into that when I get my new job."
"So I basically sacrificed one year for nothing? I spent one year alone with my child while you missed birthdays and holidays and all the hard work I have had to endure just so you could say you want to change jobs, something you could have done stateside! How is this fair to me?"
"I still have to get it all approved. I have a meeting with my career counselor tomorrow."
"Yeah whatever…."
It isn't that I wasn't behind this change, it's just that I felt that someone had pulled the rug out from under me. I had chose to endure all the hardships of being separated because I felt there was some reward in the end . I didn't feel that this was a reward. I was upset and angry. I felt like I was just a pawn in his life. Sometimes an inconvenience. He made the decisions and I just followed him without question. I told myself that i knew what I was getting myself into when I married a navy man but it still didn't make me feel better.
I knew I couldn't hold him back, working with computers would be an upgrade to the job he was doing now and it was a more marketable skill for the civilian world. I knew that his decision had our best interest in mind, I had to trust him.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Ultra sound
I was in my second trimester and everything was fine… I was just crabby. Everything was going well with this pregnancy. It was time for me to have my ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby and make sure everything was going well. Since we already had a girl people assumed we wanted a boy. He would always state "it doesn't matter to me", and people would answer " oh as long as it is healthy right?". This question would irritate him. I loved his response, "no, as long as it is mine!" he always wondered if these people meant he wasn't suppose to love his child because it wasn't healthy.
I had always wanted a boy. I was pleased with my daughter but I grew up with a sister and 2 female cousins and had always wondered what it was like to have a boy around the house. I went to my appointment and had decided to bring my daughter. I thought this would be an exciting time for her. As they did the ultrasound, she seemed disinterested. They then told me that it would be another girl… again she appeared disengaged. I thought about all the perks of having another girl. They would be playmates, and I would not need to buy any baby clothes since I already had them.
I explained to my daughter about having a sister, she seemed disappointed and almost defiant about it. She obviously did not want to share the spotlight of being my daughter. I called him and told him we would be having another girl. He was excited. She was due in September. This was just all so exciting!
I had always wanted a boy. I was pleased with my daughter but I grew up with a sister and 2 female cousins and had always wondered what it was like to have a boy around the house. I went to my appointment and had decided to bring my daughter. I thought this would be an exciting time for her. As they did the ultrasound, she seemed disinterested. They then told me that it would be another girl… again she appeared disengaged. I thought about all the perks of having another girl. They would be playmates, and I would not need to buy any baby clothes since I already had them.
I explained to my daughter about having a sister, she seemed disappointed and almost defiant about it. She obviously did not want to share the spotlight of being my daughter. I called him and told him we would be having another girl. He was excited. She was due in September. This was just all so exciting!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Pregnant Again
So he left me a Christmas present also. I was pregnant and due in September. We were excited since we had wanted this for a long time but I was not excited to be going through this on my own. Now at this time I was entering into a new time in my life.
I was starting a new routine. My sister had had a baby and I had offered to watch the baby. At this time my parents had gained custody of 4 young children. since I did not work I was sort of put in charge of watching these 4 kids also. So I went from taking care of just my daughter to watching 6 children and being pregnant. I was too preoccupied at this time, and didn't find time to miss him.
The house became crowded and I didn't understand where we fit in. My parents were busy trying to help these kids out and then there was my daughter and I. We started trying to spend less time in the house because I wanted to keep the new identity I had rediscovered. I didn't want the title of babysitter. My dad said to me "I thought you wanted 6 kids". Yeah but not thrown at me at the same time!
I was starting a new routine. My sister had had a baby and I had offered to watch the baby. At this time my parents had gained custody of 4 young children. since I did not work I was sort of put in charge of watching these 4 kids also. So I went from taking care of just my daughter to watching 6 children and being pregnant. I was too preoccupied at this time, and didn't find time to miss him.
The house became crowded and I didn't understand where we fit in. My parents were busy trying to help these kids out and then there was my daughter and I. We started trying to spend less time in the house because I wanted to keep the new identity I had rediscovered. I didn't want the title of babysitter. My dad said to me "I thought you wanted 6 kids". Yeah but not thrown at me at the same time!
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