Sad and depressed

I was feeling sad and depressed. He had been gone for a week and I felt horrible. I felt that no one cared about. Since he left I had lost my attention. we spoke often and we fought often. I needed him. So much had happened in the past several weeks. I could not comprehend it all, the accident, the miscarriage, and now the loneliness. I felt alone and abandoned.

Being left to my thoughts I was a disappointment. I felt I was a disappointment to all. I wanted to succeed but I didn't know how to define it. Was succeeding just a synonym for surviving? Was it being a good wife? was t being a vessel to bring another child into the world? I didn't like where I worked. The atmosphere was not inviting and left me feeling that being me in itself was a failure. I had no one to talk to so I wrote. I wrote letters to him about how much I missed him, I wrote in my journal to help sort out my thoughts, and I wrote to the child that never had the opportunity to become mine.

Things needed to happen. I needed to see him and hold him. I needed to remove myself from this situation. I trusted no one and therefore felt I had no outlet. I slowly started the process to separate from the Navy. This is what I needed to do to survive. I needed to commit myself to our relationship and lose myself in it so I could emerge into something I wanted to be. Someone that did not disappoint. The process was not as hard as I expected it to be.

 I knew that by him by my side I could accomplish not just anything but everything that I wanted in life. I loved him more each day. The longer we were apart the easier it was to love him. I created a fantasy world for us. I pieced together lives from all those shows I watched growing up, The cosby show, growing pains, family ties. I knew our life would become one giant sitcom.