Lonely

The thing I hated most about him being gone was lying in bed a lone. I hated that I only used half the bed, I hated not having anything to hold on to. I still slept on "my" side of the bed. There was like an invisible line that I refused to cross. I hated being in bed with no one to talk to. With the baby in another room I felt like a kid again. 

Staying up past my parents bed time, reading a book and falling asleep with the lights on, what made the situation even worse was that I in my old room. I felt like the situation had barely changed. I needed a change! It was hard for me. I had to rediscover who I was since this whole time I had defined myself as his wife. Most of our socializing we done as a couple so we were attached in some way. At his work parties I was always introduced as his wife. Since my life had been defined by his work day, I was at a loss on how to define myself and what I was supposed to look forward to. 

I no longer had to fight with him about how the closet was divided, I no longer had to have the do not touch me argument in bed, I no longer had anyone to be accountable to. I missed him. How was i going to be able to handle 12 months of this? The phone calls and emails helped but I was lonely. this was a much harder adjustment than what I expected.