After I had my 2nd child I was on birth control pills. I was nursing my baby still and running behind an almost 3 year old.
the jealousy was a little frustrating at first. I was nursing baby and the toddler felt neglected. She felt that the most optimum time to have a mad rush of "I need to go to the bathroom" was when I would sit down to start nursing the baby. The first couple of times I dropped everything and ran her to the bathroom. I kinda got tired of this routine and tried taking her to the bathroom before I nursed, but somehow she always still needed to go to the bathroom. I told her she could wait till I was done since I knew she had just gone. She started to say she needed to go potty and then pee her pants right in front of me. Luckily we had tile floor so clean up was easy.
One time I had just settled in nursing the baby and the toddler came running into the room. "Potty" she yelled and then spread her legs and peed right in front of me. This was the last straw. Next time I went to nurse the baby I took the toddler to the bathroom, I sat her on the toilet and then I sat on the counter and nursed the baby. The toddler I cried, "I need to go potty" luckily she was already on the toilet. This new routine went on for about 3 days. She got tired of it … SCORE: mom 1 toddler 365… finally I had a win.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
For our anniversary my friend offered to take the kids so I could surprise him. He went to school till about noon so I expected him home somewhere near 1 or maybe a little after if he was buying me a present. So I dropped off the kids around 11 and I went shopping to buy some lingerie so that I could surprise him appropriately. I got home and changed and then took my clothes and led them to the bedroom. I had music on.. my favorite Joe. I then sat on the bed and waited… I waited…. and waited…. and waited. I finally took a nap.
I woke up when he walked in the house. It was 4 pm in the afternoon. He came upstairs and had brought home food. Apparently for my present he went on the search for mexican food for me. He knew that I missed carne asada so he had gone on a mission to find authentic mexican food. He knew that I did not like the imitation stuff. He had asked around and finally found one halfway between pensacola and mobile alabama.
I was not happy. And what made me more unhappy was that he didn't understand why I was not happy. We still talk about that night and I still think he doesn't understand.
I woke up when he walked in the house. It was 4 pm in the afternoon. He came upstairs and had brought home food. Apparently for my present he went on the search for mexican food for me. He knew that I missed carne asada so he had gone on a mission to find authentic mexican food. He knew that I did not like the imitation stuff. He had asked around and finally found one halfway between pensacola and mobile alabama.
I was not happy. And what made me more unhappy was that he didn't understand why I was not happy. We still talk about that night and I still think he doesn't understand.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thanksgiving
It would be my first thanksgiving doing everything alone. It would only be our family my husband, the baby that was breastfed only, and the daughter who going through a phase of not eating meat. I decided that instead of a turkey I would do a chicken for basically he and I. I made stuffing, mashed potatoes and an apple pie. Somehow though it didn't feel like anything other than another day off. We were used to a big family dinner where people ate until stuffed.
It was a lonely Thanksgiving. We ate and then put the girls to bed. Like I said it didn't feel any different
It was a lonely Thanksgiving. We ate and then put the girls to bed. Like I said it didn't feel any different
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Mecca
Being out on the middle of nowhere had some advantages. If we drove a ½ hour west we entered Mobile Alabama. In Mobile there was this great outlet mall. There were so many stores my husband, who loved to shop, felt he had found his Mecca. It was mostly designer stores and it was a true designer outlet mall where we saw some of our jackets that we had bought about 1 year ago.
I fell in love with the Timberland store. It was a shoe store that was buy one get one free on equal or lesser price. I bought a pair of tennis shoes and a pair a hiking shoes. when I say hiking shoes I do not mean the hiking shoes that was in style to hike on the city streets. These were made ruggedly with great traction. I loved htem. The Tennis shoes were the most comfortable shoes I had ever worn . (remember these shoes, I will talk about them in a later post)
We came home from our shopping trip with our great finds. These finds were so great that 13 years later, I still have those hiking boots
I fell in love with the Timberland store. It was a shoe store that was buy one get one free on equal or lesser price. I bought a pair of tennis shoes and a pair a hiking shoes. when I say hiking shoes I do not mean the hiking shoes that was in style to hike on the city streets. These were made ruggedly with great traction. I loved htem. The Tennis shoes were the most comfortable shoes I had ever worn . (remember these shoes, I will talk about them in a later post)
We came home from our shopping trip with our great finds. These finds were so great that 13 years later, I still have those hiking boots
Monday, September 26, 2011
Do not cross the barricades
When we lived in San Diego his job was in the middle of an air field. You had to cross the taxiway in order to get to his building. One day my friend had come down to see me and we decided to go to his job just to see what was going on. I had vaguely heard that the president was going to be Southern California that day.
When we got to the base there were a couple of barricades up but not too unusual. She was driving and I was giving her directions. I told her to turn right but there were some barricades up. We decided to drive down t see if there was another entrance we could go through. We didn't find anything so we went back to the street I had originally told her to turn on. It led to the taxiway so it was the only way I knew how to get to his work. We went around the barricades and we saw a huge airplane parked on the taxiway. The we looked up and there were armed security with guns pointed. One came up to the window and asked what our purpose was …. umm …. I explained how I wanted to pick my husband up from work.
Then we saw the writing on the side of the plane… United States of America…. we were looking at Air Force One. We apologized and quickly turned around.
When we got to the base there were a couple of barricades up but not too unusual. She was driving and I was giving her directions. I told her to turn right but there were some barricades up. We decided to drive down t see if there was another entrance we could go through. We didn't find anything so we went back to the street I had originally told her to turn on. It led to the taxiway so it was the only way I knew how to get to his work. We went around the barricades and we saw a huge airplane parked on the taxiway. The we looked up and there were armed security with guns pointed. One came up to the window and asked what our purpose was …. umm …. I explained how I wanted to pick my husband up from work.
Then we saw the writing on the side of the plane… United States of America…. we were looking at Air Force One. We apologized and quickly turned around.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
It was a dark and dreary night
Pensacola, Florida is a small town in the south. Living there was a small adventure. We actually lived outside the city limits so going anywhere was a major trip. There were no buses that ran near our neighborhood. As a matter of fact there were no neighborhoods near our neighborhood.To get to the nearest grocery store it was a 20 min drive. And the drive was basically down one street with no street lights or traffic lights.
One night i needed to go to the grocery store. I left the baby and toddler with the husband. It was a dark and rainy night… something perfect for a horror film…. Let's set the scene. Woman alone at night driving on a dark and lonely road. Lightening, rain, no cell phone, no houses near by. As I was driving all of a sudden I lost acceleration and power. I sat there in the car and tried cranking the car again. nothing.
So i walked in the rain on a lonely street. I was too far away from home to walk back so I walked forward. I finally saw some houses after about 20 minutes. I felt like this this was the most important decision in mylife. What house do I choose. IF I choose wrong it might be the axe murderer's house. I knocked on a door a young couple answered the door. I asked if I could use the phone. They had pity on me. I called my husband and explained what happened. He said he would figure it out. The couple overheard my plight and offered to take me home.
The next day my husband walked to where the car was. It started and he took it to a mechanic. It was the alternator.
One night i needed to go to the grocery store. I left the baby and toddler with the husband. It was a dark and rainy night… something perfect for a horror film…. Let's set the scene. Woman alone at night driving on a dark and lonely road. Lightening, rain, no cell phone, no houses near by. As I was driving all of a sudden I lost acceleration and power. I sat there in the car and tried cranking the car again. nothing.
So i walked in the rain on a lonely street. I was too far away from home to walk back so I walked forward. I finally saw some houses after about 20 minutes. I felt like this this was the most important decision in mylife. What house do I choose. IF I choose wrong it might be the axe murderer's house. I knocked on a door a young couple answered the door. I asked if I could use the phone. They had pity on me. I called my husband and explained what happened. He said he would figure it out. The couple overheard my plight and offered to take me home.
The next day my husband walked to where the car was. It started and he took it to a mechanic. It was the alternator.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Keep your children safe
One day I woke up to find a notice on my door. THe notice stated that the previous night alligator tracks had been found behind the houses that were across the street. The houses across the street had a stream/ swamp area that behind their homes. apparently a dog had been spooked the previous night and when the owner went out to check on the dog he noticed the gator tracks.
The notice warned guests about small animals being a treat for gators. And then proceeded say that at the speed that gators run, they could run after our children and eat them. Very reassuring. Poor toddler she was confined to indoors which was fine by me because it was hot and muggy outside.
For a whole week it was rare to see children outside playing, then I guess everyone got tired of being cautious and let the children run amok like usual. I guess we were ok with the incident as long as the gator stayed across the street. Continuing adventures of living in the pan handle.
The notice warned guests about small animals being a treat for gators. And then proceeded say that at the speed that gators run, they could run after our children and eat them. Very reassuring. Poor toddler she was confined to indoors which was fine by me because it was hot and muggy outside.
For a whole week it was rare to see children outside playing, then I guess everyone got tired of being cautious and let the children run amok like usual. I guess we were ok with the incident as long as the gator stayed across the street. Continuing adventures of living in the pan handle.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I loved them both
I remember everything about when my first daughter was born. I remember how I felt when she was first put in my arms. I remember the love I had for her the minute she was born. I remember feeling that no one in the world could ever understand the love I held for or that anyone could ever duplicate that love for her.
When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I started to worry. How is it that I could love another child as much as I loved my first. Could that love truly be duplicated? When my first child was born I was willing to give my all for her how could be willing to make the same sacrifice for another child. Did I need to love my first child less in order to love my 2nd child.
Then my 2nd daughter got put into my arms. I knew at that moment that it was possible to love at this extent more than once. Instead of having to love the 1st less I loved her more. It's like this love multiplied and my heart was able to expand. As I look at them I know that I don't love one more than the other. I love them both with so much strength that at times it is hard to contain. They both have enriched my life to an extent that I had never thought possible.
When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I started to worry. How is it that I could love another child as much as I loved my first. Could that love truly be duplicated? When my first child was born I was willing to give my all for her how could be willing to make the same sacrifice for another child. Did I need to love my first child less in order to love my 2nd child.
Then my 2nd daughter got put into my arms. I knew at that moment that it was possible to love at this extent more than once. Instead of having to love the 1st less I loved her more. It's like this love multiplied and my heart was able to expand. As I look at them I know that I don't love one more than the other. I love them both with so much strength that at times it is hard to contain. They both have enriched my life to an extent that I had never thought possible.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Hurricane a coming!
We had settled into the house but it wasn't filled. The baby was about 3 weeks old and the toddler was 2 1/2. we had only been in the house about 1 week when news of a hurricane came. It was to hit us on saturday night. He had duty that night and I was home alone. He tried to get out of duty to be home with us but to no avail.
I hated the sound of the wind. It echoed throughout the empty house. As the hurricane made landfall the wind would hit the house with such force I was afraid that it would break something. I didn't want to scare the children but I was scared. I looked outside as rain came down and the ditch between my house and my neighbors was filling up quickly with water. All of a sudden I saw my neighbor with a shovel making a water way for the water to escape to the street. I was grateful.
We had no power and the phone lines were down. All I could do was pray. I kept the children in the room with me. They slept in as I paced in nervousness, finally about 3 am everything settled down. I was finally able to get some rest. When he got home the next day at 8 am I was happy and relieved to see him.
I hated the sound of the wind. It echoed throughout the empty house. As the hurricane made landfall the wind would hit the house with such force I was afraid that it would break something. I didn't want to scare the children but I was scared. I looked outside as rain came down and the ditch between my house and my neighbors was filling up quickly with water. All of a sudden I saw my neighbor with a shovel making a water way for the water to escape to the street. I was grateful.
We had no power and the phone lines were down. All I could do was pray. I kept the children in the room with me. They slept in as I paced in nervousness, finally about 3 am everything settled down. I was finally able to get some rest. When he got home the next day at 8 am I was happy and relieved to see him.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
My very own home
We had a new house we could move into. It was a 3 bedroom stand alone home with grass around the entire house. I make a point of describing this because most military housing are duplexes or quadplexes. The house had a living room and a family room a garage and 2 1/2 bathrooms. I loved it. It was the first time I had had a home. We had lived in apartments and have had to share parking, entry ways and noise with neighbors. It was exciting to have something all to ourselves.
The master bedroom had a walk in closet… That was the best! moving dat came and as all our boxes were put in their appropriate rooms we started to notice something, that most of the boxes were marked for the toddlersroom. Hmm seemed a little unfair to me, I definitely needed to buy myself things. After the movers were gone the house looked empty. We had tripled our square footage and all of our things fit but there was too much empty space. We went shopping. First thing we bought was a couch. My last couch had been given to me by my mother and though I was grateful I wanted things of my own. Next thing we bought was a dining room table. I was so excited. I could decorate it to my likes. the only thing he wouldn't let me do was hang pictures. He felt that since this was not our permanent home we shouldn't get too attatched. Too late, I was already attached.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I did not pee on myself
I was pacing the hallway of our mobile house. I was having cramps but not frequently enough. I was groggy and tired. then it happened. My water broke! yeah, I could go to the hospital. An acquaintance had volunteered to take the toddler while we were in the hospital. We dropped her and then made our way to the hospital. Upon check in they ask me why did I think I was in labor, "My water broke" I answered
"why do you think your water broke?"
I know it probably is a routine question but me being irritable at this time calmed myself and then said, "I felt a release of liquid and I know I didn't pee myself."
So the admitting nurse said OK and then went to get me checked in. I got situated in a observation room and had a new nurse come in and ask me why I was there, mind you my chart was in her hand. I again answered that I was in labor. She asked why I thought I was in labor…. OK at this point I start to grow my devil ears and tail and through my teeth exclaim, my water broke… she then asked why did I think my water broke… again with the did not pee myself response. Then I had the Dr come and he asked me all the same questions… At this point my husband seeing the irritation in my eyes responded for me all the same answers. The Dr checked me and said… "Oh yes your water broke." I wanted to scream you idiot isn't that what I just told you.
So I finally got all situated with monitors and waiting for the anesthesiologist to give me my epidural… he was in surgery so I had to wait… they gave me something that they said was like an epidural and would take the edge off… ummm didn't work. Finally I got my epidural and about 3 hours later I had a new baby girl in my arms
"why do you think your water broke?"
I know it probably is a routine question but me being irritable at this time calmed myself and then said, "I felt a release of liquid and I know I didn't pee myself."
So the admitting nurse said OK and then went to get me checked in. I got situated in a observation room and had a new nurse come in and ask me why I was there, mind you my chart was in her hand. I again answered that I was in labor. She asked why I thought I was in labor…. OK at this point I start to grow my devil ears and tail and through my teeth exclaim, my water broke… she then asked why did I think my water broke… again with the did not pee myself response. Then I had the Dr come and he asked me all the same questions… At this point my husband seeing the irritation in my eyes responded for me all the same answers. The Dr checked me and said… "Oh yes your water broke." I wanted to scream you idiot isn't that what I just told you.
So I finally got all situated with monitors and waiting for the anesthesiologist to give me my epidural… he was in surgery so I had to wait… they gave me something that they said was like an epidural and would take the edge off… ummm didn't work. Finally I got my epidural and about 3 hours later I had a new baby girl in my arms
Monday, September 19, 2011
Little mobile home
we had been put on a list for base housing. And since I was pregnant we were entitled to a 3 bedroom. But while we waited we needed to find temporary accommodations. We needed to find a furnished place since all of our things were in storage and I only wanted to unpack once. We settled on a small mobile home. The rent was very cheap and he would allow us to rent month to month so we could move out as soon as we got housing, which they told us would be approximately 30 days
It was a fairly small place, but we didn't need much room and it was much better then the hotel. We had to buy a TV and we didn't have cable so we settled on buying movies. I bought 3 movies to keep my daughter entertained. But since these were the only three movies we had access to, it is all I watched. I had Barney, Aladdin, and Elmo. I got tired of the movies quickly but fortunately she did not.
It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. the only slight problem we had is when we had a small category 1 hurricane come through. every time the wind blew I imagined the trailer blowing over but other than that it was fine.
It was a fairly small place, but we didn't need much room and it was much better then the hotel. We had to buy a TV and we didn't have cable so we settled on buying movies. I bought 3 movies to keep my daughter entertained. But since these were the only three movies we had access to, it is all I watched. I had Barney, Aladdin, and Elmo. I got tired of the movies quickly but fortunately she did not.
It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. the only slight problem we had is when we had a small category 1 hurricane come through. every time the wind blew I imagined the trailer blowing over but other than that it was fine.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Finally in Florida
Arrived in Florida on August 16. We checked into out Hotel Room and he went to check in off leave. The room was fine but what sucked was tomorrow was my birthday. I wasn't happy with the circumstances, I was pregnant and irritable, I was at a place that where I knew no one and my husband would be gone for most of the day.The baby was tired and fell asleep on the bed almost immediately.
The next day he went off to work and left us at the hotel. We only had one car and I had no idea where anything was so I didn't want to venture out, also this was the panhandle, so it was muggy and hot and just yucky this time of the year. The baby and I sat in the room and watched TV for most of the day. Then she got cranky and so did I. I interpreted her screams, I was very fluent in cranky, "I don't want to be here, I'm bored, why did he not leave us a car, he could have walked, this room is cramped, TV is not fun anymore, I want to go home…" Yup I felt the same way, poor baby.
He finally got home and we went out to eat. We explored the city for a bit, but not really much to explore. HE told me we had appointments the next day for various things, I was excited, I would get to leave the room!!!!
The next day he went off to work and left us at the hotel. We only had one car and I had no idea where anything was so I didn't want to venture out, also this was the panhandle, so it was muggy and hot and just yucky this time of the year. The baby and I sat in the room and watched TV for most of the day. Then she got cranky and so did I. I interpreted her screams, I was very fluent in cranky, "I don't want to be here, I'm bored, why did he not leave us a car, he could have walked, this room is cramped, TV is not fun anymore, I want to go home…" Yup I felt the same way, poor baby.
He finally got home and we went out to eat. We explored the city for a bit, but not really much to explore. HE told me we had appointments the next day for various things, I was excited, I would get to leave the room!!!!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
On the road again
Day two of our trip was mundane. The baby had just been potty trained so we are always in need of a bathroom. During one of the stretches of seeing no city in sight, the baby said she needed to go potty. We frantically looked around for some sort of civilization. After about 10 minutes of driving we couldn't find anything so we pulled over and tried to get her to on the side of the road. It turned into a fit. She did not want to go on the side of the road , she wanted a bathroom. It was a beautiful meadow we told her she was watering the flowers. She continued to cry and yell that she wanted a bathroom. I did not want her back in the car in the state she was in. There was no way I could handle this fit. I was already frustrated with the drive. He was getting frustrated because we were loosing driving time.
He finally got her to calm down and we continued on our drive. We hoped that she could wait until we found a place to stop. About a 1/2 hour later we saw a gas stop and diner called Diner. For me it was a little sketchy but the baby was happy. I took her to the restroom that left a lot to be desired. I would've gladly gone on the side of the road compared to this establishment that I swear I saw in one the friday the 13th movies. So now we were happy and back on the road.
He finally got her to calm down and we continued on our drive. We hoped that she could wait until we found a place to stop. About a 1/2 hour later we saw a gas stop and diner called Diner. For me it was a little sketchy but the baby was happy. I took her to the restroom that left a lot to be desired. I would've gladly gone on the side of the road compared to this establishment that I swear I saw in one the friday the 13th movies. So now we were happy and back on the road.
Friday, September 16, 2011
The trip- day one
Our trip started out oK. we were trying to to make it as far into new mexico as we could on day one. The baby was tired and so was I. We were driving through a small town that had a posted speed limit of 35mph. It was about 9pm and we still had about 1 more hour to go. As we were driving all of a sudden there was a siren and lights behind us. Yuk his bad luck strikes again.
He has horrible luck with getting pulled over for speeding. I call it bad luck because he has been pulled over right after pulling out of a drive way, once he got pulled over twice in an hour for the same fix it issue, and he has gotten pulled over for being a carpool lane even though the kids were in the back seat and then the cop mentioned something about the tint on the back windows (which is not illegal).
So he got pulled over. The sheriff came over and to his window and immediately asked for his drivers license. He pulled out his military ID first and then his drivers license. The Sheriff looked at him and then asked "do you know how fast you were going?"
"no sir I don't", he answered.
"you were going 37 in a 35."
WHAT! he stopped us for what! somehow I did not find this fair in the slightest. This would definitely not have happened in Cali.
The sheriff continued, "are you in the service?"
"Yes, sir. We are driving to our new duty station."
"I've always liked you service boys. I'm gonna let you off with a warning, you want to arrive there safely, watch your speed sonny."
Yeah like those 2 miles per hour are the difference between life and death. anyways so that was day one.
He has horrible luck with getting pulled over for speeding. I call it bad luck because he has been pulled over right after pulling out of a drive way, once he got pulled over twice in an hour for the same fix it issue, and he has gotten pulled over for being a carpool lane even though the kids were in the back seat and then the cop mentioned something about the tint on the back windows (which is not illegal).
So he got pulled over. The sheriff came over and to his window and immediately asked for his drivers license. He pulled out his military ID first and then his drivers license. The Sheriff looked at him and then asked "do you know how fast you were going?"
"no sir I don't", he answered.
"you were going 37 in a 35."
WHAT! he stopped us for what! somehow I did not find this fair in the slightest. This would definitely not have happened in Cali.
The sheriff continued, "are you in the service?"
"Yes, sir. We are driving to our new duty station."
"I've always liked you service boys. I'm gonna let you off with a warning, you want to arrive there safely, watch your speed sonny."
Yeah like those 2 miles per hour are the difference between life and death. anyways so that was day one.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Starting new
The car was all packed and ready to go. It was the night before we were leaving. We went to target to pick up al the last things needed like snacks and water and maps. We were planning on taking the 40 to miss as much of Texas as we could. we had a small little sentra that was perfect for a family of 3. I got some puzzle books to do on the road.
It was difficult to get to sleep. I was moving across the country. Only for a year and I didn't know what would happen after that. I loved having a new start. I always felt I could reinvent myself. Be that better person I always wanted to be. I would get to meet new people and they could meet the perky sweet nice me. I always found it exciting to move. I could leave all those bad thoughts of me behind. I feel that moving is like a new years resolution, I get to start with a clean slate…. I will always clean my house and have it immaculate for surprise guests.
Another thing I liked about moving was creating a new color scheme. I love decorating my house and welcome any reason to buy new things for the house. this was going to be great a trip, I just couldnt wait for it to start!
It was difficult to get to sleep. I was moving across the country. Only for a year and I didn't know what would happen after that. I loved having a new start. I always felt I could reinvent myself. Be that better person I always wanted to be. I would get to meet new people and they could meet the perky sweet nice me. I always found it exciting to move. I could leave all those bad thoughts of me behind. I feel that moving is like a new years resolution, I get to start with a clean slate…. I will always clean my house and have it immaculate for surprise guests.
Another thing I liked about moving was creating a new color scheme. I love decorating my house and welcome any reason to buy new things for the house. this was going to be great a trip, I just couldnt wait for it to start!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
daddy home?
He was almost home. We had endured many trials while he was gone.The baby had had another birthday and she was now 2 years old, I had basically endured a pregnancy all by myself. I was ready to leave and be with my husband again. I arrived at the airport and saw him waiting for me. I hugged him sort of, there was huge belly in my way. he kissed me and it just seemed perfect. He picked up his baby and She was a little bit in shock, I think she didn't know if this truly was the man that had left her life a year ago . I had given her a picture of him and everyday reminded her that that was daddy.
She looked at him again and then said "daddy home?"
"Yes honey, daddy is home" he answered and then held her tight. He cried. He had missed so much. She was so big. I just watched and knew that this was it. This is what I wanted in my life. It was perfect, he was perfect for me and she was our creation.
Indeed daddy was home and it was time to continue this family.
She looked at him again and then said "daddy home?"
"Yes honey, daddy is home" he answered and then held her tight. He cried. He had missed so much. She was so big. I just watched and knew that this was it. This is what I wanted in my life. It was perfect, he was perfect for me and she was our creation.
Indeed daddy was home and it was time to continue this family.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Changing Names
When I first got married I was still in the Navy. I was known by my maiden name. I didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my name and having to buy new uniforms. So I decided to not change my name and therefore kept my maiden name. When I got out of the navy I kept putting off changing my name because I didn't to go to the social security office to do all the paperwork. I was known by his last name but officially I still had the name I was born with.
I had decided to go to a community college and applied for financial aid. I had used his last name on the application and it was rejected because the Social Security number did not align with the name. Shoot, now I had to change my name. I was contemplating what I wanted to change it to. My mother had not given a middle name so I could do what my sister did and take my maiden name as my middle name. Or I could hyphen or I just take his last name.
I went to the the Social Security Office, I didn't want him to influence me so I went alone. I filled out the most of the paperwork and then walked up to window, I started to speak to the attendant my dilemma, how I felt I was losing myself in some way or I could take this as a new beginning with a new identity. She looked at me with no emotion on her face and then said "if the application is not filled please go to the back of the line". I panicked, I had already been there for about an hour and didn't want to spend more time there. I quickly wrote down my new last name with no middle name.
I had decided to go to a community college and applied for financial aid. I had used his last name on the application and it was rejected because the Social Security number did not align with the name. Shoot, now I had to change my name. I was contemplating what I wanted to change it to. My mother had not given a middle name so I could do what my sister did and take my maiden name as my middle name. Or I could hyphen or I just take his last name.
I went to the the Social Security Office, I didn't want him to influence me so I went alone. I filled out the most of the paperwork and then walked up to window, I started to speak to the attendant my dilemma, how I felt I was losing myself in some way or I could take this as a new beginning with a new identity. She looked at me with no emotion on her face and then said "if the application is not filled please go to the back of the line". I panicked, I had already been there for about an hour and didn't want to spend more time there. I quickly wrote down my new last name with no middle name.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Packing
I needed to get our packing done. Most of our stuff was in storage unit. I just had some toys for the baby and our clothes that we needed to get packed. the movers would be picking our stuff up from the storage unit so I just had to get everything that I wanted to be shipped to florida there. A piece of cake.
While I had been in California I had started to buy a fisher price kitchen for the now toddler. I had bought her a stove, sink, refrigerator, washer and dryer, a kitchen table with chairs and a toy microwave. She had more furniture than we did. I know she had way more clothes than I did. After several trips I was able to get her things to the storage place. The movers came and packed all my things. We labeled boxes and soon discovered that most of the boxes were labeled with baby's room.
It's hard to see your life and possessions and discover that basically it's just a bunch of boxes with labels. And then I think when I looked at the boxes you soon discovered that half of my life was my daughters possessions I felt a twinge of sadness. She was spoiled. How could she not be, she was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. No wonder she was not excited for this new baby, she realized that either she had to share her possessions or that she no longer would be as spoiled.
While I had been in California I had started to buy a fisher price kitchen for the now toddler. I had bought her a stove, sink, refrigerator, washer and dryer, a kitchen table with chairs and a toy microwave. She had more furniture than we did. I know she had way more clothes than I did. After several trips I was able to get her things to the storage place. The movers came and packed all my things. We labeled boxes and soon discovered that most of the boxes were labeled with baby's room.
It's hard to see your life and possessions and discover that basically it's just a bunch of boxes with labels. And then I think when I looked at the boxes you soon discovered that half of my life was my daughters possessions I felt a twinge of sadness. She was spoiled. How could she not be, she was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. No wonder she was not excited for this new baby, she realized that either she had to share her possessions or that she no longer would be as spoiled.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Share my pain
So these were the new orders 2 schools in Florida for one year. We needed to be there by August 17th. Oh great another perfect birthday present. We would be living in Pensacola, Florida which is part of the panhandle. It's about 1 hour away from Alabama and Georgia, which made it the south. Most people don't think of florida as the south but it is. I would be traveling in the last month of my pregnancy so I spoke to the doctor about some concerns. He suggested that a car trip of that length could cause serious complications and that I should look into delivering the baby and then joining my husband afterwards.
I thought about my choices, so I should I could be alone again but this time with 2 children and one of them being a newborn and then fly alone on a 5 hour plane ride with two children in tow, all the while I haven't been with him for a year and now just add another couple of months vs making a 3 day car trip into a 5 day trip due to frequent stops for my and the baby's safety.
This was his baby and the last thing I was going to allow him to do is not be involved with all the late night feedings and the diaper changing and the jealous sibling. I was already in a state of irritability, I needed him to share my pain.
I thought about my choices, so I should I could be alone again but this time with 2 children and one of them being a newborn and then fly alone on a 5 hour plane ride with two children in tow, all the while I haven't been with him for a year and now just add another couple of months vs making a 3 day car trip into a 5 day trip due to frequent stops for my and the baby's safety.
This was his baby and the last thing I was going to allow him to do is not be involved with all the late night feedings and the diaper changing and the jealous sibling. I was already in a state of irritability, I needed him to share my pain.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Picking new Orders
We were at the six month mark for him to come home. It was that time of the year… time to pick a new assignment. I was excited since we had been at first led to believe that we could have choice of orders. I wanted to go to Europe. I wanted to travel and leave the US. I felt it was better while the babies were still babies because it wouldn't affect schooling. He called so that we could discuss this new chapter in our lives. I thought it would be exciting for a child to say I was born in italy, england, or even japan.
"I want to change my job" he started the conversation.
"Umm what does that mean?"
" I want to work with computers and it requires a year of school in Florida."
"What happened to choice of orders, what happened to my European trip?"
"We can look into that when I get my new job."
"So I basically sacrificed one year for nothing? I spent one year alone with my child while you missed birthdays and holidays and all the hard work I have had to endure just so you could say you want to change jobs, something you could have done stateside! How is this fair to me?"
"I still have to get it all approved. I have a meeting with my career counselor tomorrow."
"Yeah whatever…."
It isn't that I wasn't behind this change, it's just that I felt that someone had pulled the rug out from under me. I had chose to endure all the hardships of being separated because I felt there was some reward in the end . I didn't feel that this was a reward. I was upset and angry. I felt like I was just a pawn in his life. Sometimes an inconvenience. He made the decisions and I just followed him without question. I told myself that i knew what I was getting myself into when I married a navy man but it still didn't make me feel better.
I knew I couldn't hold him back, working with computers would be an upgrade to the job he was doing now and it was a more marketable skill for the civilian world. I knew that his decision had our best interest in mind, I had to trust him.
"I want to change my job" he started the conversation.
"Umm what does that mean?"
" I want to work with computers and it requires a year of school in Florida."
"What happened to choice of orders, what happened to my European trip?"
"We can look into that when I get my new job."
"So I basically sacrificed one year for nothing? I spent one year alone with my child while you missed birthdays and holidays and all the hard work I have had to endure just so you could say you want to change jobs, something you could have done stateside! How is this fair to me?"
"I still have to get it all approved. I have a meeting with my career counselor tomorrow."
"Yeah whatever…."
It isn't that I wasn't behind this change, it's just that I felt that someone had pulled the rug out from under me. I had chose to endure all the hardships of being separated because I felt there was some reward in the end . I didn't feel that this was a reward. I was upset and angry. I felt like I was just a pawn in his life. Sometimes an inconvenience. He made the decisions and I just followed him without question. I told myself that i knew what I was getting myself into when I married a navy man but it still didn't make me feel better.
I knew I couldn't hold him back, working with computers would be an upgrade to the job he was doing now and it was a more marketable skill for the civilian world. I knew that his decision had our best interest in mind, I had to trust him.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Ultra sound
I was in my second trimester and everything was fine… I was just crabby. Everything was going well with this pregnancy. It was time for me to have my ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby and make sure everything was going well. Since we already had a girl people assumed we wanted a boy. He would always state "it doesn't matter to me", and people would answer " oh as long as it is healthy right?". This question would irritate him. I loved his response, "no, as long as it is mine!" he always wondered if these people meant he wasn't suppose to love his child because it wasn't healthy.
I had always wanted a boy. I was pleased with my daughter but I grew up with a sister and 2 female cousins and had always wondered what it was like to have a boy around the house. I went to my appointment and had decided to bring my daughter. I thought this would be an exciting time for her. As they did the ultrasound, she seemed disinterested. They then told me that it would be another girl… again she appeared disengaged. I thought about all the perks of having another girl. They would be playmates, and I would not need to buy any baby clothes since I already had them.
I explained to my daughter about having a sister, she seemed disappointed and almost defiant about it. She obviously did not want to share the spotlight of being my daughter. I called him and told him we would be having another girl. He was excited. She was due in September. This was just all so exciting!
I had always wanted a boy. I was pleased with my daughter but I grew up with a sister and 2 female cousins and had always wondered what it was like to have a boy around the house. I went to my appointment and had decided to bring my daughter. I thought this would be an exciting time for her. As they did the ultrasound, she seemed disinterested. They then told me that it would be another girl… again she appeared disengaged. I thought about all the perks of having another girl. They would be playmates, and I would not need to buy any baby clothes since I already had them.
I explained to my daughter about having a sister, she seemed disappointed and almost defiant about it. She obviously did not want to share the spotlight of being my daughter. I called him and told him we would be having another girl. He was excited. She was due in September. This was just all so exciting!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Pregnant Again
So he left me a Christmas present also. I was pregnant and due in September. We were excited since we had wanted this for a long time but I was not excited to be going through this on my own. Now at this time I was entering into a new time in my life.
I was starting a new routine. My sister had had a baby and I had offered to watch the baby. At this time my parents had gained custody of 4 young children. since I did not work I was sort of put in charge of watching these 4 kids also. So I went from taking care of just my daughter to watching 6 children and being pregnant. I was too preoccupied at this time, and didn't find time to miss him.
The house became crowded and I didn't understand where we fit in. My parents were busy trying to help these kids out and then there was my daughter and I. We started trying to spend less time in the house because I wanted to keep the new identity I had rediscovered. I didn't want the title of babysitter. My dad said to me "I thought you wanted 6 kids". Yeah but not thrown at me at the same time!
I was starting a new routine. My sister had had a baby and I had offered to watch the baby. At this time my parents had gained custody of 4 young children. since I did not work I was sort of put in charge of watching these 4 kids also. So I went from taking care of just my daughter to watching 6 children and being pregnant. I was too preoccupied at this time, and didn't find time to miss him.
The house became crowded and I didn't understand where we fit in. My parents were busy trying to help these kids out and then there was my daughter and I. We started trying to spend less time in the house because I wanted to keep the new identity I had rediscovered. I didn't want the title of babysitter. My dad said to me "I thought you wanted 6 kids". Yeah but not thrown at me at the same time!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
good bye again
we were all set for him to leave. It had been a great time but all good things must come to an end. His flight was out of LAX and it left at midnight. Once again we went through this routine. We had done it once before and nothing had changed except for this time I wasn't as sad, I was still elated he had come home. Once again he left and I watched the plane leave.
It was about 4 days before Christmas. he left and was supposed to be in Diego Garcia in 24 hours but due to the reliability of military flights it took him 5 days to get home. He spent Christmas in Singapore. I was sad that he was spending it alone in a country that didn't really celebrate it. He said it didn't bother him since he felt his Christmas present was having come home and spent that time with us.
I decided even if he wasn't with us we would still share Christmas. He called on Christmas day in the morning and I gave him my present…. I was pregnant!
It was about 4 days before Christmas. he left and was supposed to be in Diego Garcia in 24 hours but due to the reliability of military flights it took him 5 days to get home. He spent Christmas in Singapore. I was sad that he was spending it alone in a country that didn't really celebrate it. He said it didn't bother him since he felt his Christmas present was having come home and spent that time with us.
I decided even if he wasn't with us we would still share Christmas. He called on Christmas day in the morning and I gave him my present…. I was pregnant!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I noticed he loved me
He was home. I would get him for 4 weeks. He was just mine, well mine and the baby's and I didn't mind sharing with her. It was great to be a small little family again. He was going to stay til just before christmas. He spent his birthday with us and I felt that I had just received the best present ever. it was exciting to have him home. I refused to focus on when he was leaving because I needed to enjoy this time to its fullest and not be bothered by the sadness of not having him with him.
I felt like my spirits had just been refilled. I felt like we were playing house. We visited some friends in San Diego and went to see my family in the desert. My uncle asked me a question that totally caught me off guard, he asked me why I had married a black man. I was surprised, I didn't know what to say. I thought about it. I had been asked before what my parents thought about me having married a black man, I always answered that their opinion didn't matter. I never thought of it as an issue. I looked at him and then said, "I didn't notice he was black I just noticed he loved me"
I felt like my spirits had just been refilled. I felt like we were playing house. We visited some friends in San Diego and went to see my family in the desert. My uncle asked me a question that totally caught me off guard, he asked me why I had married a black man. I was surprised, I didn't know what to say. I thought about it. I had been asked before what my parents thought about me having married a black man, I always answered that their opinion didn't matter. I never thought of it as an issue. I looked at him and then said, "I didn't notice he was black I just noticed he loved me"
Monday, September 5, 2011
he's coming home!!!
So we finally made the plans for him to come home. It had only been 3 months since he had left and it had felt like forever. he was taking a military flight that had stops in about 3 different countries. and it would essentially take him 48 hours to get home, but I didn't care, he was coming home!
The night before he was to leave he called during dinner time, and I thought it was to basically say that everything was on task for him to come home. He called and said that there was some military activity happening in the Indian Ocean and the US was deploying B-52's to the island and he would not be able to leave.
I felt like my world had just collapsed. I screamed and yelled and was upset. My mom took the phone from me and spoke to him. She hung up and then told me to not worry, that everything would work itself out and that he would call me when he knew more. I was upset that night. I finally had had something to look forward to and it had just been taken away from me. I prayed so hard that night. I begged and pleaded with the Lord .
The next day he called and then I heard the words… I'm coming home!
The night before he was to leave he called during dinner time, and I thought it was to basically say that everything was on task for him to come home. He called and said that there was some military activity happening in the Indian Ocean and the US was deploying B-52's to the island and he would not be able to leave.
I felt like my world had just collapsed. I screamed and yelled and was upset. My mom took the phone from me and spoke to him. She hung up and then told me to not worry, that everything would work itself out and that he would call me when he knew more. I was upset that night. I finally had had something to look forward to and it had just been taken away from me. I prayed so hard that night. I begged and pleaded with the Lord .
The next day he called and then I heard the words… I'm coming home!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Watching TV
When we had nothing in our hone but a small TV and my moms hand me down furniture, we would sometimes clear out the living room and bring out our mattress and lay it down in the living room and watch TV form the mattress. If felt a little like we were doing things behind our parents backs. It was fun. this was a much easier process than asking him to carry the TV into our bedroom. Easier because the TV was heavy and also because I have this thing about a TV in my bedroom.
I have always objected to having a television in the bedroom for a couple of reason (and I think I got these opinions from watching Oprah) the bedroom needs to have a singular purpose of bringing a couple together without distractions, this called for no watching TV or reading a book in bed. the second reason was because if the bedroom does not have the purpose of sleeping in, it is harder to fall asleep since your mind associates other activities to the bedroom.
What a bunch of crap. it's funny to see what truths I held on to, during our first years of marriage.
I have always objected to having a television in the bedroom for a couple of reason (and I think I got these opinions from watching Oprah) the bedroom needs to have a singular purpose of bringing a couple together without distractions, this called for no watching TV or reading a book in bed. the second reason was because if the bedroom does not have the purpose of sleeping in, it is harder to fall asleep since your mind associates other activities to the bedroom.
What a bunch of crap. it's funny to see what truths I held on to, during our first years of marriage.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Games
I am a video game addict. I love video games of all types, Role playing games, simple lever mastery games, card games. When I was younger I had an atari 2400. We had a bunch of classic games like Pac Man and even some horrible ones like ET. I could spend hours upon hours playing. When my parents got rid of the Atari, it was a sad day for me.
Now enter about 15 years later. I started playing a role playing game on the computer. I would stay on the computer all day trying to figure out how to win the game. I know it was a waste of my time but what else was I to do with my time. I didn't have anything else to do. I was bored, time passed so slowly.
I felt like this moment would never end. I felt that my life was essentially at a stand still. I was still at a loss on who I was. I was having a very hard time with this. I held resentment towards him. this was much harder than I had expected it to be. We started to make plans for him to come home on leave. I needed something to look forward to.
Now enter about 15 years later. I started playing a role playing game on the computer. I would stay on the computer all day trying to figure out how to win the game. I know it was a waste of my time but what else was I to do with my time. I didn't have anything else to do. I was bored, time passed so slowly.
I felt like this moment would never end. I felt that my life was essentially at a stand still. I was still at a loss on who I was. I was having a very hard time with this. I held resentment towards him. this was much harder than I had expected it to be. We started to make plans for him to come home on leave. I needed something to look forward to.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Lonely
The thing I hated most about him being gone was lying in bed a lone. I hated that I only used half the bed, I hated not having anything to hold on to. I still slept on "my" side of the bed. There was like an invisible line that I refused to cross. I hated being in bed with no one to talk to. With the baby in another room I felt like a kid again.
Staying up past my parents bed time, reading a book and falling asleep with the lights on, what made the situation even worse was that I in my old room. I felt like the situation had barely changed. I needed a change! It was hard for me. I had to rediscover who I was since this whole time I had defined myself as his wife. Most of our socializing we done as a couple so we were attached in some way. At his work parties I was always introduced as his wife. Since my life had been defined by his work day, I was at a loss on how to define myself and what I was supposed to look forward to.
I no longer had to fight with him about how the closet was divided, I no longer had to have the do not touch me argument in bed, I no longer had anyone to be accountable to. I missed him. How was i going to be able to handle 12 months of this? The phone calls and emails helped but I was lonely. this was a much harder adjustment than what I expected.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I Lvoe yuo
Email was our new form of communication.He had a work email and I got a hotmail account. My parents had an up to date computer with a modem at 56K. Wow, they had upgraded from the 26K they previously had had. My nightly email sessions went a little like this.I would attempt to log onto the server…..busy signal, try again waiting waiting waiting, ok server has responded now all the pinging back and forth between computers, 5 minutes later fully logged on.
I started using the time in between to do exercises. I would do sit up and get on the stair climber, this actually did well for my health and figure. Now to maneuver onto hotmail, it would take about another 5-10 minutes for the email page to load up. So there I was doing exercises again. Since this was a nightly routine I was getting a pretty good work out everyday.
We would exchange about 5-10 emails nightly. We discovered ICQ and were able to use that to IM each other. This is where I picked up my typing skills. It was nice, I felt that he was still a part of my daily life. He became my diary of sorts. I would recount my daily going ons and exclaim how much I missed him. There are some words that I was always misspelling when I ended my emails or ICQ conversations I always accidentally ended it with I lvoe you…. so it became my sound off, he always misspelled you and turned it into yuo. It was a perfect fit.
I started using the time in between to do exercises. I would do sit up and get on the stair climber, this actually did well for my health and figure. Now to maneuver onto hotmail, it would take about another 5-10 minutes for the email page to load up. So there I was doing exercises again. Since this was a nightly routine I was getting a pretty good work out everyday.
We would exchange about 5-10 emails nightly. We discovered ICQ and were able to use that to IM each other. This is where I picked up my typing skills. It was nice, I felt that he was still a part of my daily life. He became my diary of sorts. I would recount my daily going ons and exclaim how much I missed him. There are some words that I was always misspelling when I ended my emails or ICQ conversations I always accidentally ended it with I lvoe you…. so it became my sound off, he always misspelled you and turned it into yuo. It was a perfect fit.
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