I was home trying to get some rest in between my contractions. It was not working. I was so tired. Every time I would start to fall asleep I would have a contraction. It sucked. I got up to pace the house. My contractions were still about every 10-12 minutes. I tried watching TV but I just couldn't concentrate on anything. I tried a hot shower to try to calm me down. That didn't work either. I was so tired. I started to cry. I was jealous of him sleeping so peacefully.
He woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told him about not being able to sleep because of the contractions. I had been having contractions at this point for over 12 hours. He asked if I wanted to go try again at the hospital. I said sure, we went to hospital once again. They examined me and said sorry not dilated enough, go walking to try to speed up the labor. Again I went home I just paced.
Morning came and we were set to have breakfast at a friends house. We went to their home and I just wasn't hungry. Nothing looked appetizing. I was a grouch. I was tired and in pain, I was hungry but didn't want to eat. Our friends who had 3 children laughed. They understood my frustration and mood.
We went home and I again paced. finally at 10 that night, after 34 hours of labor the hospital finally admitted me. He called my parents, they were coming down to the hospital. I got the epidural at midnight and I felt like I was in heaven. I finally fell asleep. The nurse woke me up at 5 am and said honey it's time to push.
Our first daughter was born. She was beautiful weighing in at 9 lbs 1 ounce. she was perfect. I cried, this was such a beautiful creation, I didn't know I could make. I loved her so much, I didn't know I could love someone at this magnitude. It was different from a developed love, this was instant love.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
get some rest
I went to the Doctors on my due date and she said everything looked fine and that I should be delivering some time soon. I was in so much discomfort. My sleep was constantly interrupted by a kicking baby or needing to go to the bathroom. Ugh, I was at the point where I just wanted it all to be over. I wanted this baby to be out!
His uncle has given us pagers so that if the need arose that I needed to contact him for the baby. It was friday and I was experiencing discomfort. nothing too bad just troublesome every half hour. Then the discomfort got more frequent. It was now every 15-20 mins. I thought this is it. I called him at work. He wasn't at this desk. I paged him, he was not returning my page. I called again at work. They told me he was upstairs roaming and probably talking to people. I paged him again, with the message "call home". Nothing.
Where could this man be, didn't he know I was dying in pain? He finally nonchalantly arrived at home 4 hours after my initial phone call. He asked me how my day was going and I started yelling. Where were you, where have you been? why haven't you called, who were you talking to? Why was I not the most important thing in his life at that moment. He was stunned and confused, he looked like he was being bombarded like the battle of Normandy and he could not find cover.
"I'm in labor" I yell.
He gets excited and then says, "why didn't you tell me?"
"WHAT!!!! I've been trying to tell you for the last 4 hours but you haven't called me back. Did you see the page?"
"Ohh yeah I saw that when I was getting ready to come home so I just came home. So are you ready to go now?"
"I was ready to go 4 hours ago!"
We got in the car. I with some urgency and he happy as a clam. I was mad, how could he be happy when I was so miserable. We tried playing a word game on the way to the hospital to take my mind off the pain. It was my turn and I was in the middle of a contraction. "Come on honey that's an easy one", he said.
My eyes turned red, I swear that my pointy ears came out and my voice sounded deep and rough, "You idiot can't you see that I'm in the middle of a contraction."He shut up and decided it was best he stay quiet 'til the hospital.
At the hospital they took me in, asked me questions and then they examined me. "Sorry, you're only dilated to a two. It's probably false labor. Go home and get some rest." What do they mean get some rest. How was that possible with discomfort every 10-12 minutes. I was already 1 week over due and they are going to tell me to get some rest. Don't they know I've been trying to get some rest for the past month! Home I went to "try and get some rest".
His uncle has given us pagers so that if the need arose that I needed to contact him for the baby. It was friday and I was experiencing discomfort. nothing too bad just troublesome every half hour. Then the discomfort got more frequent. It was now every 15-20 mins. I thought this is it. I called him at work. He wasn't at this desk. I paged him, he was not returning my page. I called again at work. They told me he was upstairs roaming and probably talking to people. I paged him again, with the message "call home". Nothing.
Where could this man be, didn't he know I was dying in pain? He finally nonchalantly arrived at home 4 hours after my initial phone call. He asked me how my day was going and I started yelling. Where were you, where have you been? why haven't you called, who were you talking to? Why was I not the most important thing in his life at that moment. He was stunned and confused, he looked like he was being bombarded like the battle of Normandy and he could not find cover.
"I'm in labor" I yell.
He gets excited and then says, "why didn't you tell me?"
"WHAT!!!! I've been trying to tell you for the last 4 hours but you haven't called me back. Did you see the page?"
"Ohh yeah I saw that when I was getting ready to come home so I just came home. So are you ready to go now?"
"I was ready to go 4 hours ago!"
We got in the car. I with some urgency and he happy as a clam. I was mad, how could he be happy when I was so miserable. We tried playing a word game on the way to the hospital to take my mind off the pain. It was my turn and I was in the middle of a contraction. "Come on honey that's an easy one", he said.
My eyes turned red, I swear that my pointy ears came out and my voice sounded deep and rough, "You idiot can't you see that I'm in the middle of a contraction."He shut up and decided it was best he stay quiet 'til the hospital.
At the hospital they took me in, asked me questions and then they examined me. "Sorry, you're only dilated to a two. It's probably false labor. Go home and get some rest." What do they mean get some rest. How was that possible with discomfort every 10-12 minutes. I was already 1 week over due and they are going to tell me to get some rest. Don't they know I've been trying to get some rest for the past month! Home I went to "try and get some rest".
Friday, July 29, 2011
He understood me
So a year ago we had been married by a judge in florida. Here we were two young kids in love. I was big and pregnant. Everything felt uncomfortable. My shoes, my clothes and especially my hands. My fingers had swollen and I had been unable to remove my wedding ring. I had tried to no avail.
For our anniversary he had taken me out to dinner and then took me shopping so that I could pick out my present. I was in no mood to go clothes shopping considering that I would soon be losing about 6-8 pounds. We walked around and ended up looking at rings at a jewelry store. I wanted to try on some rings and again tried to remove my wedding band. It did not budge and to make matters worse my finger swelled up and it started cutting circulation to my finger.
The jewelry store cut my wedding band off. Relief for my finger but sadness that on our anniversary my wedding ring was cut off my finger… what type of metaphor does that give. I started to feel sad and voice my feelings to him.
He got down on one knee and pulled out a small box from his pocket. "Will you be my wife for ever and ever", he asked me. He opened the box and it was the ring I had been admiring. He had bought it weeks ago and was just waiting for me to remove my ring so that he could give me the new one. It was a beautiful yellow gold ring with 2 rows of diamonds set in white gold.
I began to cry. This was definitely the man I wanted to spend eternity with. I loved him and he loved me. He understood me, and that was all I needed.
For our anniversary he had taken me out to dinner and then took me shopping so that I could pick out my present. I was in no mood to go clothes shopping considering that I would soon be losing about 6-8 pounds. We walked around and ended up looking at rings at a jewelry store. I wanted to try on some rings and again tried to remove my wedding band. It did not budge and to make matters worse my finger swelled up and it started cutting circulation to my finger.
The jewelry store cut my wedding band off. Relief for my finger but sadness that on our anniversary my wedding ring was cut off my finger… what type of metaphor does that give. I started to feel sad and voice my feelings to him.
He got down on one knee and pulled out a small box from his pocket. "Will you be my wife for ever and ever", he asked me. He opened the box and it was the ring I had been admiring. He had bought it weeks ago and was just waiting for me to remove my ring so that he could give me the new one. It was a beautiful yellow gold ring with 2 rows of diamonds set in white gold.
I began to cry. This was definitely the man I wanted to spend eternity with. I loved him and he loved me. He understood me, and that was all I needed.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Quirks
Here we were starting a family and trying to learn about one another. All those silly quirks that were not noticeable before or that were hid very well. I for one did not like to be touched while we slept. Being pregnant I felt like I emanated heat. I did not want him anywhere near me. If he accidentally touched me I politely shoved his arm back at him. I also did not like to wear shoes around the house so you could find my shoes everywhere, under the dining table, in the bathroom. I also leave my clothes on the bathroom floor even if there is a hamper near by.These were all small quirks. Things he could learn to live with easily. His quirk was not so easy.
On saturday mornings we liked to do all those things our parents forbade us. We would wake up and crawl to the living room to watch television. We would eat breakfast in front of the TV and concentrate on the Saturday morning cartoons. we watched X-men and Spiderman and our favorite Pinky and the Brain. I would be ready to start our day after this but not him. He had one more show to watch. Something he had been waiting to spring on me. Probably the most reviling show on television. Something I found disgusting and overrated… Wrestling. Yes my husband was into WWW.
How dare he hide this from me. How could I allow this form of entertainment to enter into my home. Who was this man that I was living with and about to have a child with.
"why are you watching that?" I asked
"Cause I want to", He answered
"this is a stupid show, please do not watch it"
"you are not my mother, do not tell me what to watch"
"Only stupid people watch this and you are not stupid"
"Well I am watching it so I must be stupid"
UGH!!!! This is a stupid stupid show. Why is he watching this. If he has the stupidity to watch this what other dumb things is he hiding from me. Fine I don't have to watch it with him, I'll just sulk in the bedroom. He shouts excitedly. "Ohh my goodness, you have to see what just happened, they're showing replays, come look!"
I was most certainly am not going to go look. Doesn't he see that I'm sulking. "I don't care" I answer him. No answer from him. Ah so he must be aware about how upset I am about this wrestling thing. I look out and like a little kid his eyes are glued to the action and he's cheering for someone.
I look at him and see the children we both are and all I think is he's cute and I love him.
On saturday mornings we liked to do all those things our parents forbade us. We would wake up and crawl to the living room to watch television. We would eat breakfast in front of the TV and concentrate on the Saturday morning cartoons. we watched X-men and Spiderman and our favorite Pinky and the Brain. I would be ready to start our day after this but not him. He had one more show to watch. Something he had been waiting to spring on me. Probably the most reviling show on television. Something I found disgusting and overrated… Wrestling. Yes my husband was into WWW.
How dare he hide this from me. How could I allow this form of entertainment to enter into my home. Who was this man that I was living with and about to have a child with.
"why are you watching that?" I asked
"Cause I want to", He answered
"this is a stupid show, please do not watch it"
"you are not my mother, do not tell me what to watch"
"Only stupid people watch this and you are not stupid"
"Well I am watching it so I must be stupid"
UGH!!!! This is a stupid stupid show. Why is he watching this. If he has the stupidity to watch this what other dumb things is he hiding from me. Fine I don't have to watch it with him, I'll just sulk in the bedroom. He shouts excitedly. "Ohh my goodness, you have to see what just happened, they're showing replays, come look!"
I was most certainly am not going to go look. Doesn't he see that I'm sulking. "I don't care" I answer him. No answer from him. Ah so he must be aware about how upset I am about this wrestling thing. I look out and like a little kid his eyes are glued to the action and he's cheering for someone.
I look at him and see the children we both are and all I think is he's cute and I love him.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Gifts from the heart
Our first Christmas together was a humbling experience. Money was not in abundance so it would be a simple Christmas for us. We had decided that we needed a tree to get into the holiday mood. The tree was a small plastic tree that sat on our end table. I bought a small box of decorations and did my best to dress up the small plastic tree. It certainly was not the big pine I was use to but it was ours. It was our opportunity to start new traditions and establish what Christmas would be for our family.
We had decided that our presents need not be big or major. We were both happy to be in each others arms. We would be spending the 24th with my family. we have traditions in my family beginning with getting up early to make tamales. Usually about 100 of each chicken and beef and about 50 sweet ones. It is a whole day event that's messy and tiring and fun. We arrived at my parents home and I was immediately put to work. I invited him to come and learn. After about 10 mins he was asked to leave so that we could continue our smooth operation we had developed that he was impeding.
That night we went home with a car load a gifts. Most were for the child that was yet to join us. My parents had given us gift cards for the essentials of gasoline and groceries. We were very grateful. We went to sleep and awoke the next day to see what Santa had brought for us. There was a small box for me. I opened it slowly. It was a necklace. Something simple with a heart shaped pendant. He opened his box. It was a sweater and a tie. Nothing extravagant but they were gifts from the heart.
We had decided that our presents need not be big or major. We were both happy to be in each others arms. We would be spending the 24th with my family. we have traditions in my family beginning with getting up early to make tamales. Usually about 100 of each chicken and beef and about 50 sweet ones. It is a whole day event that's messy and tiring and fun. We arrived at my parents home and I was immediately put to work. I invited him to come and learn. After about 10 mins he was asked to leave so that we could continue our smooth operation we had developed that he was impeding.
That night we went home with a car load a gifts. Most were for the child that was yet to join us. My parents had given us gift cards for the essentials of gasoline and groceries. We were very grateful. We went to sleep and awoke the next day to see what Santa had brought for us. There was a small box for me. I opened it slowly. It was a necklace. Something simple with a heart shaped pendant. He opened his box. It was a sweater and a tie. Nothing extravagant but they were gifts from the heart.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Language of love
"Why are you being so stupid" I yell.
"I can't read your mind" he answers.
"I give you every clue to what I want, why do you aggravate the pregnant lady?"
"Why is the pregnant lady so uptight about everything and expect me to know what her irrational mind is thinking?"
He slams the the door and leaves. Why would he leave in the middle of the fight? I want to continue until I am right. I know the saying that one who is right should apologize first then I guess I should always be apologizing because I AM RIGHT! Where did he go? Why does he leave me? Doesn't he know and understand that what I want is time with him. I don't care what we do I just want him to be by my side. Why does he leave at such a critical moment in our argument.
The 5 languages of love are touch, words, gifts, service, and time. Why doesn't he understand that time is how I perceive love. I want him always near me. I am so bored at home just waiting for this child to pop out that my day is divided into 2, the morning and when he comes home from work, regardless of the time. Where has he gone and why has he been gone for so long? Why do I feel abandoned? Does he even want to come back home?
The door opens and he walks in. He walks in sheepishly and looks at me. "I'm sorry" he says. Then he hands me a snow globe in the shape of a heart, there is a carousal horse in the middle. I wind it up and it plays The Wind beneath my Wings. I cry. "Im sorry" I answer back. I read the inscription and it says "Love like you've never been hurt".
His language of love is gifts.
"I can't read your mind" he answers.
"I give you every clue to what I want, why do you aggravate the pregnant lady?"
"Why is the pregnant lady so uptight about everything and expect me to know what her irrational mind is thinking?"
He slams the the door and leaves. Why would he leave in the middle of the fight? I want to continue until I am right. I know the saying that one who is right should apologize first then I guess I should always be apologizing because I AM RIGHT! Where did he go? Why does he leave me? Doesn't he know and understand that what I want is time with him. I don't care what we do I just want him to be by my side. Why does he leave at such a critical moment in our argument.
The 5 languages of love are touch, words, gifts, service, and time. Why doesn't he understand that time is how I perceive love. I want him always near me. I am so bored at home just waiting for this child to pop out that my day is divided into 2, the morning and when he comes home from work, regardless of the time. Where has he gone and why has he been gone for so long? Why do I feel abandoned? Does he even want to come back home?
The door opens and he walks in. He walks in sheepishly and looks at me. "I'm sorry" he says. Then he hands me a snow globe in the shape of a heart, there is a carousal horse in the middle. I wind it up and it plays The Wind beneath my Wings. I cry. "Im sorry" I answer back. I read the inscription and it says "Love like you've never been hurt".
His language of love is gifts.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday
I was doing well in my classes. I had a simple routine. On tuesdays I had a 5 hour break between classes. I did not like going home because then I had to travel on the bus and it usually did not leave time to do much of anything else. I would spend my time either across the street at the LDS church institute or i would be in the library doing homework. Sometimes I just walked around the campus.
On this particular tuesday I was in the library finishing up my homework and preparing for tests. I walked out and saw something in the quad. It was balloons and some man holding them. I just saw it in passing and decided to go to one of my other places to sit and wait for class to begin. I waited for a while and got bored and decided to walk the campus. Again I walked through the campus and saw the balloons. I thought how cute. As I got closer to the balloons I recognized that it was my husband and that he had flowers along with the balloons. I was surprised, excited and happy. He had brought them for me! He hadn't waited for me to come home he was happy and wanted me to be too."What's the occasion I asked", thinking we haven't had a fight in the past 24 hours.
"because it's tuesday, I need no other reason to show you I love you" he answered
On this particular tuesday I was in the library finishing up my homework and preparing for tests. I walked out and saw something in the quad. It was balloons and some man holding them. I just saw it in passing and decided to go to one of my other places to sit and wait for class to begin. I waited for a while and got bored and decided to walk the campus. Again I walked through the campus and saw the balloons. I thought how cute. As I got closer to the balloons I recognized that it was my husband and that he had flowers along with the balloons. I was surprised, excited and happy. He had brought them for me! He hadn't waited for me to come home he was happy and wanted me to be too."What's the occasion I asked", thinking we haven't had a fight in the past 24 hours.
"because it's tuesday, I need no other reason to show you I love you" he answered
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Then came the hills
My girlfriend had taught me basic driving and I felt confident that I could handle it. I felt I only needed the car during my OB appointments. So there I was driving my first time to downtown San Diego. I didn't feel confident enough to drive on the freeway so I took the side streets. Everything was great until I got to downtown. San diego has two things downtown, one way streets and hills. I was trying to run yellow lights just for the hope to not be at a red light. Every time I did stop I felt like the car behind me was always too close and that I was going to rear end him with my car. Every take off felt like I slid downhill about 5 feet. I started to over compensate by gunning the engine. This was becoming a disaster. When I finally got to the doctors office which is up at the top of a hill. I was done.
I went to my appointment where everything was fine, I was on track to deliver sometime in April. The babies heartbeat was strong and my blood pressure was healthy. When I finished with the appointment I called him and told him how it went then I said "come get me and drive the car home cause I refuse to". Especially because it was about to be traffic hour in San Diego. I waited for him and as the knight in shining armor that he was he came and drove me home.
I went to my appointment where everything was fine, I was on track to deliver sometime in April. The babies heartbeat was strong and my blood pressure was healthy. When I finished with the appointment I called him and told him how it went then I said "come get me and drive the car home cause I refuse to". Especially because it was about to be traffic hour in San Diego. I waited for him and as the knight in shining armor that he was he came and drove me home.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
we found a new apartment up the street. Since we were still carless we invoked the help of a couple of friends. There wasn't much in our apartment so the move was quite light. Our new apartment was much bigger, two bedrooms, a patio, and had the landlord right next to us.
It was a quaint place for the most part. still only had our small tv but I didn't mind. Everything was going great until my stomach started to get bigger and I started to waddle a bit. He didn't like me taking a bus so he decided, not we, that I needed a car to get to my appointments. He went out and bought a new car. A blue escort and he also decided to buy a stick shift even though I could not drive stick shift. He would teach me. Of course in his eyes this was a perfect plan, a pregnant irritable wife being taught to drive by an impatient husband.
It was a disaster from day one. I was driving through the streets with stop signs so I could learn how to maneuver 1st gear. this was not going so well. During one of my stalls, he loudly explained that this was a simple task and I should have mastered by now, I opened the door and left the car. There I was a pregnant waddling woman slowly making her way back home. I was maybe about 6 or 7 blocks from home. Not too far.
He drove beside me apologizing and begging me to get in the car. I refused. I even took shortcuts where he could not follow me so that I would not have to listen to him. I was determined to never get in the car with him again. When I got home I called a girlfriend of mine and asked her to please teach me to drive stick shift.
It was a quaint place for the most part. still only had our small tv but I didn't mind. Everything was going great until my stomach started to get bigger and I started to waddle a bit. He didn't like me taking a bus so he decided, not we, that I needed a car to get to my appointments. He went out and bought a new car. A blue escort and he also decided to buy a stick shift even though I could not drive stick shift. He would teach me. Of course in his eyes this was a perfect plan, a pregnant irritable wife being taught to drive by an impatient husband.
It was a disaster from day one. I was driving through the streets with stop signs so I could learn how to maneuver 1st gear. this was not going so well. During one of my stalls, he loudly explained that this was a simple task and I should have mastered by now, I opened the door and left the car. There I was a pregnant waddling woman slowly making her way back home. I was maybe about 6 or 7 blocks from home. Not too far.
He drove beside me apologizing and begging me to get in the car. I refused. I even took shortcuts where he could not follow me so that I would not have to listen to him. I was determined to never get in the car with him again. When I got home I called a girlfriend of mine and asked her to please teach me to drive stick shift.
Friday, July 22, 2011
apartment living
When we were looking for an apartment to stay at, we were looking for somewhere clean. We wanted a place that was not going to gross me out every time I tried to cook. We thought we had found the place when we initially moved in. The complex did not allow pets and the carpet looked decent .
My days usually consisted of going to school then coming home to clean and make dinner and wait for my husband to come home from work. Sometimes taken up by watching my favorite soap opera "Days of our lives". I remember my aunt watching when I was younger and the story line between Bo and Hope and how they had the fairytale ending. Here I was 12 years later and I swear it was the same storyline with the same people But I swear they had not aged. I know that if I watched it today I probably would not miss a thing, could probably pick up where I left off.
Well one day I was cleaning the kitchen and I saw a small crumb of something. I didn't know what it was so I just wiped it into the sink. When I did that the little sac broke and all these small cockroaches started scattering everywhere. I screamed, this was gross and I thought how can I cook in this kitchen again. I left the house. I could not share the room with so many cockroaches. That was gross and disgusting and did I mention gross. I went outside and basically just paced the street until I saw him come home from work. I explained what happened and how I could not live in that place. He finally calmed me down and we went inside.
That night I could not sleep. I felt like little bugs were crawling on me. I insisted on sleeping with the lights on and just in case a little roach did come near me, I was armed with a shoe and Raid. The lack of sleep was horrible but the determination was renewed.I awoke that morning and immediately started to look for a new apartment.
My days usually consisted of going to school then coming home to clean and make dinner and wait for my husband to come home from work. Sometimes taken up by watching my favorite soap opera "Days of our lives". I remember my aunt watching when I was younger and the story line between Bo and Hope and how they had the fairytale ending. Here I was 12 years later and I swear it was the same storyline with the same people But I swear they had not aged. I know that if I watched it today I probably would not miss a thing, could probably pick up where I left off.
Well one day I was cleaning the kitchen and I saw a small crumb of something. I didn't know what it was so I just wiped it into the sink. When I did that the little sac broke and all these small cockroaches started scattering everywhere. I screamed, this was gross and I thought how can I cook in this kitchen again. I left the house. I could not share the room with so many cockroaches. That was gross and disgusting and did I mention gross. I went outside and basically just paced the street until I saw him come home from work. I explained what happened and how I could not live in that place. He finally calmed me down and we went inside.
That night I could not sleep. I felt like little bugs were crawling on me. I insisted on sleeping with the lights on and just in case a little roach did come near me, I was armed with a shoe and Raid. The lack of sleep was horrible but the determination was renewed.I awoke that morning and immediately started to look for a new apartment.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Perfect
We were settling into this life. I decided to sign up for classes at the local community college. I went in and picked a light schedule of 2 math classes a spanish class and an economics class. While He had a great job that had him home by 4 and and not working weekends. We learned the bus routes and knew they could take us practically everywhere.
This was perfect, except for the nightly arguments over stupid stuff like what I had made for dinner or my favorite about where the toothbrushes belonged in the bathroom. One day he came home from work and I looked at him and said "I'm pregnant!" I was about 8 weeks along. I was very scared because I was afraid that there was something internally wrong with my body that perhaps would not allow me to carry another child. I was sad and felt one because I didn't think anyone in my life could understand the pain I had gone through or the fears I was experiencing.
I had a sonogram scheduled for the following day. It was to relieve my fears and for someone to tell me that everything was going well. He had asked me once what I wanted to be and I told him perfect. and that's just it, I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to start a family I wanted to carry a baby I wanted to be perfect.
This was perfect, except for the nightly arguments over stupid stuff like what I had made for dinner or my favorite about where the toothbrushes belonged in the bathroom. One day he came home from work and I looked at him and said "I'm pregnant!" I was about 8 weeks along. I was very scared because I was afraid that there was something internally wrong with my body that perhaps would not allow me to carry another child. I was sad and felt one because I didn't think anyone in my life could understand the pain I had gone through or the fears I was experiencing.
I had a sonogram scheduled for the following day. It was to relieve my fears and for someone to tell me that everything was going well. He had asked me once what I wanted to be and I told him perfect. and that's just it, I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to start a family I wanted to carry a baby I wanted to be perfect.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Well worth the fight
I was home at my mom and dads waiting for him to join me. He was being stationed in San Diego and I was waiting for him so that we could find a place to stay and start to settle somewhere. I picked him up from the airport. He held me and whispered something in my ear. "i promise to hold on tight and never let go". We were united again. I introduced him to the rest of my family. I felt like a teenager introducing her boyfriend for the first time. The feeling continued as we slept in my twin bed from childhood
The next day it was time to look for a place to start growing up in. We decided that our budget would allow for a one bedroom apartment in a the southern part of San Diego. We had no car so it would need to be somewhere that that bus could easily take him to work. Our first apartment was a little hole in the wall on the 2nd floor. We only had a 13 inch TV with an Antenna. The kitchen was enough for me to cook and there was a place for a dining room. My mom took the opportunity to get new furniture at the time and gave me all her old furniture.
Our first night in our new place was comical. I had made dinner the way I was taught. A general 3 course meal with soup as a precursor to the entree. The entree consisting of a protein a pasta and a vegetable. And then to finish the night I had made jello for dessert. I viewed the dinner as perfect! He viewed it as a waste of good food. He wanted a simple meal a meal that provided substance I wanted to provide a gourmet experience.
That night was filled with tears, arguments, pleading, a lot of "I don't know why I married you", and then the best make up sex I have ever experienced, well worth the fight.
The next day it was time to look for a place to start growing up in. We decided that our budget would allow for a one bedroom apartment in a the southern part of San Diego. We had no car so it would need to be somewhere that that bus could easily take him to work. Our first apartment was a little hole in the wall on the 2nd floor. We only had a 13 inch TV with an Antenna. The kitchen was enough for me to cook and there was a place for a dining room. My mom took the opportunity to get new furniture at the time and gave me all her old furniture.
Our first night in our new place was comical. I had made dinner the way I was taught. A general 3 course meal with soup as a precursor to the entree. The entree consisting of a protein a pasta and a vegetable. And then to finish the night I had made jello for dessert. I viewed the dinner as perfect! He viewed it as a waste of good food. He wanted a simple meal a meal that provided substance I wanted to provide a gourmet experience.
That night was filled with tears, arguments, pleading, a lot of "I don't know why I married you", and then the best make up sex I have ever experienced, well worth the fight.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sad and depressed
I was feeling sad and depressed. He had been gone for a week and I felt horrible. I felt that no one cared about. Since he left I had lost my attention. we spoke often and we fought often. I needed him. So much had happened in the past several weeks. I could not comprehend it all, the accident, the miscarriage, and now the loneliness. I felt alone and abandoned.
Being left to my thoughts I was a disappointment. I felt I was a disappointment to all. I wanted to succeed but I didn't know how to define it. Was succeeding just a synonym for surviving? Was it being a good wife? was t being a vessel to bring another child into the world? I didn't like where I worked. The atmosphere was not inviting and left me feeling that being me in itself was a failure. I had no one to talk to so I wrote. I wrote letters to him about how much I missed him, I wrote in my journal to help sort out my thoughts, and I wrote to the child that never had the opportunity to become mine.
Things needed to happen. I needed to see him and hold him. I needed to remove myself from this situation. I trusted no one and therefore felt I had no outlet. I slowly started the process to separate from the Navy. This is what I needed to do to survive. I needed to commit myself to our relationship and lose myself in it so I could emerge into something I wanted to be. Someone that did not disappoint. The process was not as hard as I expected it to be.
I knew that by him by my side I could accomplish not just anything but everything that I wanted in life. I loved him more each day. The longer we were apart the easier it was to love him. I created a fantasy world for us. I pieced together lives from all those shows I watched growing up, The cosby show, growing pains, family ties. I knew our life would become one giant sitcom.
Being left to my thoughts I was a disappointment. I felt I was a disappointment to all. I wanted to succeed but I didn't know how to define it. Was succeeding just a synonym for surviving? Was it being a good wife? was t being a vessel to bring another child into the world? I didn't like where I worked. The atmosphere was not inviting and left me feeling that being me in itself was a failure. I had no one to talk to so I wrote. I wrote letters to him about how much I missed him, I wrote in my journal to help sort out my thoughts, and I wrote to the child that never had the opportunity to become mine.
Things needed to happen. I needed to see him and hold him. I needed to remove myself from this situation. I trusted no one and therefore felt I had no outlet. I slowly started the process to separate from the Navy. This is what I needed to do to survive. I needed to commit myself to our relationship and lose myself in it so I could emerge into something I wanted to be. Someone that did not disappoint. The process was not as hard as I expected it to be.
I knew that by him by my side I could accomplish not just anything but everything that I wanted in life. I loved him more each day. The longer we were apart the easier it was to love him. I created a fantasy world for us. I pieced together lives from all those shows I watched growing up, The cosby show, growing pains, family ties. I knew our life would become one giant sitcom.
Monday, July 18, 2011
It's so hard to say goodbye
My ship had pulled in and I needed to at some point to check in. My father had left and my husband was due to leave that morning. It had felt very comfortable to have him there. I enjoyed spending time with him. It felt so grown up. I checked into my division and then we were told to go on liberty. As I was getting off the ship I saw him. He was supposed to have left that morning but he changed his flight so he could spend a couple more hours with me.
We went shopping. Our favorite pastime. we had lunch and then it was time to take him to the airport. We took a cab to the airport. He had already checked in his luggage so it was just a matter of waiting till he boarded. He boarded the plane and I sat there and watched. I watched as the plane pulled out. I watched as it took off. I stayed watching wanting to remember his scent, his touch, his lips. At that moment I finally understood the commitment that we had made. we had gained a relationship as husband and wife. we had united in soul and in heart. we had gone through so much together, in our short time together we had lifted each other in time of difficulty. He had become more than my best friend, we was my companion. I continued to watch until I could no longer tell the difference between the sky and the plane.
We went shopping. Our favorite pastime. we had lunch and then it was time to take him to the airport. We took a cab to the airport. He had already checked in his luggage so it was just a matter of waiting till he boarded. He boarded the plane and I sat there and watched. I watched as the plane pulled out. I watched as it took off. I stayed watching wanting to remember his scent, his touch, his lips. At that moment I finally understood the commitment that we had made. we had gained a relationship as husband and wife. we had united in soul and in heart. we had gone through so much together, in our short time together we had lifted each other in time of difficulty. He had become more than my best friend, we was my companion. I continued to watch until I could no longer tell the difference between the sky and the plane.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
follow ups
I had some follow ups the following week. I needed to get my staples removed and I had an OB appointment and a general appointment with the ER physician to make sure I was doing well. My dad drove me around for the appointments and my husband accompanied me. The first one of getting my staples removed was actually a little painful. The had basically inserted into my skull metal and were pulling them out in what looked like pliers. While I was there I went to see the ER doctor and he looked me over and said I was doing fine, swelling and bruising was going down.
t my OB appointment, they did an ultrasound. Then the technician called another technician in and did another ultrasound. Then they called in a doctor and started to confer with each other. They asked me how many weeks I thought I was. With my husband by my side I said "about 8." They then asked me who had told me after he accident that everything was fine. I explained how a technician had done an ultrasound in the ER room.
"It looks like you are no longer pregnant". I was in shock. Almost like the words were not penetrating. I looked at my husband and he seemed just as lost as me. "we will do one other ultrasound and then we will discuss the options". I did not understand what options meant. How did this happen? Was it the accident? I'm a healthy 18 year old how could this happen to me? after another disappointing ultrasound the doctor invited us to speak with him in his office. He explained how there was no way to tell when I had miscarried, and that I could decide to wait until my body discarded the tissue or I could have a same day procedure where they could do it.
I was still in shock. I was heart broken. I looked at him for answers. He looked at me and said "this is your body, you decide". I could not got through this disappointment and shock again. If I waited for my body to do it, it would be a pain I was unwilling to go through. The date was set for my procedure.
t my OB appointment, they did an ultrasound. Then the technician called another technician in and did another ultrasound. Then they called in a doctor and started to confer with each other. They asked me how many weeks I thought I was. With my husband by my side I said "about 8." They then asked me who had told me after he accident that everything was fine. I explained how a technician had done an ultrasound in the ER room.
"It looks like you are no longer pregnant". I was in shock. Almost like the words were not penetrating. I looked at my husband and he seemed just as lost as me. "we will do one other ultrasound and then we will discuss the options". I did not understand what options meant. How did this happen? Was it the accident? I'm a healthy 18 year old how could this happen to me? after another disappointing ultrasound the doctor invited us to speak with him in his office. He explained how there was no way to tell when I had miscarried, and that I could decide to wait until my body discarded the tissue or I could have a same day procedure where they could do it.
I was still in shock. I was heart broken. I looked at him for answers. He looked at me and said "this is your body, you decide". I could not got through this disappointment and shock again. If I waited for my body to do it, it would be a pain I was unwilling to go through. The date was set for my procedure.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Hi dad meet the man i married with no regards to your feelings
They stated that it was a temporary paralysis due to shock. My legs were bruised from my thighs down to the side of my knees. A nurse came into my room and asked me if I would mind if she washed my hair. I didn't mind. As she was washing my hair she explained that my hair was very stiff due to the bleeding from the gash. she was very gentle and kind. I hadn't really spoken to anyone, so the conversation was welcomed. I asked her if there was a mirror so I could see my gash. She then told me it would be better if I didn't. She then told me that she was under instruction to not give me a mirror so that I would not be shocked.
She gave a me a mirror anyways. I looked and cried. On my forehead and what would constitute my bangs I had a cut that had been closed by using staples, 21 to be exact. I looked like Frankenstein. I was afraid to touch it. I received a call from the from the front desk from ICU. I had a visitor and she wanted to make sure I was up to receive them. That's when I first noticed I was naked. It was kinda funny because clothes at this point had not been an issue. I noticed a pile of clothes in the corner. It was my dress I had been wearing that night. It had been cut off me. My shoes were soaked with blood. And now I was being given the most stylish gown that was available from the hospital, the same one everyone else had.
By the following day I had recovered enough that they decided I could go home. I was able to walk to the vehicle that would take me back to my barracks. That night my husband arrived. He held me in his arms. He didn't want to let go. He had been scared and was happy to see me. He asked if I was alright. I told him what had happened from my memory. He asked about the baby. I told him in the hospital they had done an ultra sound and had told me that everything was fine.
we were reunited again. This was great, it had been about a month since we had last seen each other, too long for 2 young children in love. My dad came out to see me as I met my dad at the airport my husband followed behind me. Dad held me and told me he missed me and he loved me. This was an odd situation for me. I had was next to the man who had taken care of me till just a couple of months ago and next to the man that would be taking care of me for the rest of my life. Then I turned to him and said "Dad this is my husband."
She gave a me a mirror anyways. I looked and cried. On my forehead and what would constitute my bangs I had a cut that had been closed by using staples, 21 to be exact. I looked like Frankenstein. I was afraid to touch it. I received a call from the from the front desk from ICU. I had a visitor and she wanted to make sure I was up to receive them. That's when I first noticed I was naked. It was kinda funny because clothes at this point had not been an issue. I noticed a pile of clothes in the corner. It was my dress I had been wearing that night. It had been cut off me. My shoes were soaked with blood. And now I was being given the most stylish gown that was available from the hospital, the same one everyone else had.
By the following day I had recovered enough that they decided I could go home. I was able to walk to the vehicle that would take me back to my barracks. That night my husband arrived. He held me in his arms. He didn't want to let go. He had been scared and was happy to see me. He asked if I was alright. I told him what had happened from my memory. He asked about the baby. I told him in the hospital they had done an ultra sound and had told me that everything was fine.
we were reunited again. This was great, it had been about a month since we had last seen each other, too long for 2 young children in love. My dad came out to see me as I met my dad at the airport my husband followed behind me. Dad held me and told me he missed me and he loved me. This was an odd situation for me. I had was next to the man who had taken care of me till just a couple of months ago and next to the man that would be taking care of me for the rest of my life. Then I turned to him and said "Dad this is my husband."
Friday, July 15, 2011
a montage of responsibilities
Wow I was pregnant. We had never discussed when we wanted to start a family but today would be a good day to begin. I called him and said "We're pregnant". He was excited, I was in shock. I had never seriously thought about having a life grow inside me. Something I had created. How could I create a child when I felt like a kid myself. Responsibilities loomed in my head. No longer was this marriage something I could contemplate in my head. There was a another life that would be involved.
I attended a pregnancy class at the hospital. after hearing all the descriptions and symptoms and the birthing process I was scared. this was not going to be any easy thing. It was going to be difficult and bothersome and painful. Didn't realize that this is what i was signing up for. My first appointment was set for in 2 weeks. Enough time to continue to process this reality. I was going to have a little boy or little girls who would be 100% dependent on me... a mini me per-se. Was I ready for that type of responsibility? If not, I better get ready within the next 8 months.
That weekend I went out with some friends. We ended the night in the wee morning and were on our way back to base. There were four of us, the driver, my roommate in the passenger seat, me in the back seat, and one other guy seated next to me. We dropped off the guy at building on sub base. I was so ready for bed, it being on the other side of the base less than a mile away. I fell asleep in the back seat, my roommate fell asleep in the passenger seat, and then the tragedy, the driver fell asleep.
I don't remember the accident, I have small pictures in my head like a montage. I remember the driver pulling me out of the car crying, I remember the paramedic trying to talk to me, I remember getting wheeled down the corridor of the hospital. I remember stating "i'm married contact my husband, he's station in Mississippi." I remember them shaving my head because of a gash, I remember crying.
I woke up. It had felt like a dream. The doctor came in and asked me to lift my leg. He asked me again to lift my leg. I looked at him and told him I am. And then I looked down and saw that my legs were not responding.
I attended a pregnancy class at the hospital. after hearing all the descriptions and symptoms and the birthing process I was scared. this was not going to be any easy thing. It was going to be difficult and bothersome and painful. Didn't realize that this is what i was signing up for. My first appointment was set for in 2 weeks. Enough time to continue to process this reality. I was going to have a little boy or little girls who would be 100% dependent on me... a mini me per-se. Was I ready for that type of responsibility? If not, I better get ready within the next 8 months.
That weekend I went out with some friends. We ended the night in the wee morning and were on our way back to base. There were four of us, the driver, my roommate in the passenger seat, me in the back seat, and one other guy seated next to me. We dropped off the guy at building on sub base. I was so ready for bed, it being on the other side of the base less than a mile away. I fell asleep in the back seat, my roommate fell asleep in the passenger seat, and then the tragedy, the driver fell asleep.
I don't remember the accident, I have small pictures in my head like a montage. I remember the driver pulling me out of the car crying, I remember the paramedic trying to talk to me, I remember getting wheeled down the corridor of the hospital. I remember stating "i'm married contact my husband, he's station in Mississippi." I remember them shaving my head because of a gash, I remember crying.
I woke up. It had felt like a dream. The doctor came in and asked me to lift my leg. He asked me again to lift my leg. I looked at him and told him I am. And then I looked down and saw that my legs were not responding.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Positive
I had gone home before shipping out to Hawaii. I'd spent a couple of days at home. I fielded questions about this new man in my life. I spoke of him as my husband, my husband this and my husband that. My mother one day got upset and said "He has a name".
Yes he did have a name but using I felt made this situation too casual. I needed to remember that he was my husband and not just some guy who gave me heart and was anxiously waiting for me. Was I trying to convince myself or remind myself that he was my husband. I remember thinking no one can still think of me as a child, I'm grown cause I have a husband.
I left my family and flew to Hawaii. There were so many permanent decisions i had made in the past 9 months, I had left home, gotten married, and now was going to Hawaii to be stationed on a ship. I arrived in Hawaii and made it to the base. I checked in and as proudly announced that I had married while on leave and needed to fill out paperwork for duel military. This paperwork was important to try to get stationed together and get housing. I showed my marriage certificate. I was validating everything that had happened.
My ship was not in port at the time so I had to wait for it to return. I started a routine of going to work doing laundry and calling. we were on a 5 hour time difference so sometimes it was difficult. We spoke often about how we missed each other and when he would make it down here. I made friends and started to get to know Hawaii. Went down to beaches in Waikiki, snorkeling in Hanauma Bay, clubbing in Ala Moana.
I wasn't feeling well one day and went to base clinic. They drew blood for some tests and told me the results would be ready in about 1 hour. In the meantime I went and had lunch. I returned to get my results. The lady at the lab printed out the results and then pointed out one test at the bottom " your pregnancy test came out positive".
Yes he did have a name but using I felt made this situation too casual. I needed to remember that he was my husband and not just some guy who gave me heart and was anxiously waiting for me. Was I trying to convince myself or remind myself that he was my husband. I remember thinking no one can still think of me as a child, I'm grown cause I have a husband.
I left my family and flew to Hawaii. There were so many permanent decisions i had made in the past 9 months, I had left home, gotten married, and now was going to Hawaii to be stationed on a ship. I arrived in Hawaii and made it to the base. I checked in and as proudly announced that I had married while on leave and needed to fill out paperwork for duel military. This paperwork was important to try to get stationed together and get housing. I showed my marriage certificate. I was validating everything that had happened.
My ship was not in port at the time so I had to wait for it to return. I started a routine of going to work doing laundry and calling. we were on a 5 hour time difference so sometimes it was difficult. We spoke often about how we missed each other and when he would make it down here. I made friends and started to get to know Hawaii. Went down to beaches in Waikiki, snorkeling in Hanauma Bay, clubbing in Ala Moana.
I wasn't feeling well one day and went to base clinic. They drew blood for some tests and told me the results would be ready in about 1 hour. In the meantime I went and had lunch. I returned to get my results. The lady at the lab printed out the results and then pointed out one test at the bottom " your pregnancy test came out positive".
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Aloha Oe
It was our 2nd day of being married. I was packed and ready to go. we had a small plan, he would go to his trade school and join me in Hawaii, hopefully within the next 3 months. This was scary. these weren't plans that were being made by 2 kids hoping to stay in touch with a long distance relationship, this was a married couple trying to make sense of the situation and trying to prove to themselves and everyone else that this was not a wrong decision.
We took a cab to the airport. We sat there silently trying to figure out how this would work. I needed to find a place to stay when I got to Hawaii. I had no idea how to do this. I had never before looked or paid for an apartment. We arrived at the airport. We spoke on how we would make this work. We talked about when we would meet up and how to keep in touch and that this was a good decision.
I got on the plane. I sat there alone with my thoughts. A panic set in. What had I done. I had changed my entire life and perspective. I now was no longer in charge of just myself. I had to put someone else's feeling into the equation. There were things we hadn't spoken about, when would we start a family, what were our long term plans, would I take his last name?
These unanswered questions would not deter me and thinking this was a good decision. It was a good decision, he loved me and I loved him. I could make this work. I am not a failure. Was I trying to convince myself? I am a determined woman knew that I would make it work.
We took a cab to the airport. We sat there silently trying to figure out how this would work. I needed to find a place to stay when I got to Hawaii. I had no idea how to do this. I had never before looked or paid for an apartment. We arrived at the airport. We spoke on how we would make this work. We talked about when we would meet up and how to keep in touch and that this was a good decision.
I got on the plane. I sat there alone with my thoughts. A panic set in. What had I done. I had changed my entire life and perspective. I now was no longer in charge of just myself. I had to put someone else's feeling into the equation. There were things we hadn't spoken about, when would we start a family, what were our long term plans, would I take his last name?
These unanswered questions would not deter me and thinking this was a good decision. It was a good decision, he loved me and I loved him. I could make this work. I am not a failure. Was I trying to convince myself? I am a determined woman knew that I would make it work.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
and then he kissed the Bride
We sat there waiting for our turn. We watched as couples walked into a room as two individual people and left as one united couple (1+1=1). That would be us soon. we looked over what our vows would be. By all truth these were legal vows that we would be agreeing to. as I read them over there was one part that I did not agree with. the part read "till death do us part". I didn't want it to be for that long. I wanted it to be longer. I wanted to make this an eternal commitment. I knew that was impossible at the moment but I just didn't want to hear the words.
While we were waiting I received a page, it was a friend whom I had spent much time with in the last couple of months. I called him back and. he asked what I was doing. I told him I was waiting to get married. He asked me to wait till he arrived. So I did. When he arrived I introduced him to the man I would soon be marrying. He took me aside and asked me if I this is what I wanted. He asked if I could wait. He spoke to my fiancée and asked him to wait. But both of our answers were the same, what for? We were ready, or so we thought, for this chapter so what was the use in waiting.
We were called into the Judges chambers. There was it no turning back now. "Do you want to exchange vows or just sign the document?" the judge asked. We wanted to exchange vows. We were asked if we had a witness or if one needed to be provided. I looked at my friend who was in the mist of trying to convince us to not do this. "would you be our witness?" He said yes.
I stood there and looked at the man I was to marry. This was it. This was my new life. we exchanged vows, we exchanged rings, we signed on the dotted line and then he kissed me as his new wife.
While we were waiting I received a page, it was a friend whom I had spent much time with in the last couple of months. I called him back and. he asked what I was doing. I told him I was waiting to get married. He asked me to wait till he arrived. So I did. When he arrived I introduced him to the man I would soon be marrying. He took me aside and asked me if I this is what I wanted. He asked if I could wait. He spoke to my fiancée and asked him to wait. But both of our answers were the same, what for? We were ready, or so we thought, for this chapter so what was the use in waiting.
We were called into the Judges chambers. There was it no turning back now. "Do you want to exchange vows or just sign the document?" the judge asked. We wanted to exchange vows. We were asked if we had a witness or if one needed to be provided. I looked at my friend who was in the mist of trying to convince us to not do this. "would you be our witness?" He said yes.
I stood there and looked at the man I was to marry. This was it. This was my new life. we exchanged vows, we exchanged rings, we signed on the dotted line and then he kissed me as his new wife.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sure why not
The date was set for tomorrow. Our parents had been told. The only thing left was to get the license. we borrowed a car from a friend and went down to the court house. Sine we were both military we would not have to take the blood test that had a 3-5 day waiting period. I was set to ship out in 2 days. I was excited for this adventure to begin.
We arrived and the lady at the counter gave us paperwork to fill out. We each had our own. It felt kinda ironic, I didn't have to ask my parents if I could get married but I had to ask the state. We filled out the general information. There's a question that asks if you have been previously married. I, of course, answered no. But then I thought if I ever want the answer to that question to be a yes.
No, I never want that answer to be yes. Then how do I guarantee that it wont ever be. I'm next to a man that loves me but times will change and so will people. Will he continue to love me during those changes? I barely know the man. I'm discovering basic facts like where he grew up and about his parents. Things we never felt the need to talk about before. Could I make this work or would it be a phase and something we would dissolve in year? a month? a week? I want to do this. I am a determined woman and once I set my mind to it, I get it done.
We turned in out papers to the counter. The lady looked at our papers and then collected our money. She then turned to us and said "for $20 more the judge can marry you."we both looked at each other and perhaps afraid that the reality of all this would be too much I answered "sure why not."
We arrived and the lady at the counter gave us paperwork to fill out. We each had our own. It felt kinda ironic, I didn't have to ask my parents if I could get married but I had to ask the state. We filled out the general information. There's a question that asks if you have been previously married. I, of course, answered no. But then I thought if I ever want the answer to that question to be a yes.
No, I never want that answer to be yes. Then how do I guarantee that it wont ever be. I'm next to a man that loves me but times will change and so will people. Will he continue to love me during those changes? I barely know the man. I'm discovering basic facts like where he grew up and about his parents. Things we never felt the need to talk about before. Could I make this work or would it be a phase and something we would dissolve in year? a month? a week? I want to do this. I am a determined woman and once I set my mind to it, I get it done.
We turned in out papers to the counter. The lady looked at our papers and then collected our money. She then turned to us and said "for $20 more the judge can marry you."we both looked at each other and perhaps afraid that the reality of all this would be too much I answered "sure why not."
Sunday, July 10, 2011
He loved me
We decided that we would be married on the ides of march so that it wouldn't fall on my fathers birthday. Everything was set a notary, a dress, and a date. We needed to break the news to our parents. This was an uncomfortable situation for both of us. Both of our parents lived far away and we both had been close to them. He being a single child his parents had attempted to provide everything for him. I had come from a small family also with only one sister and my parents had been very involved in my life though I had always been an independent child. I called my parents and it was more of an informative call than a conversation.
"Mom, dad, I'm getting married in a couple days. No I'm not pregnant, it's just something I want to do."
Though they tried to convince me to wait until they could come out or at least meet him, I felt that since this was something that would only affect my life permanently, I did not need their approval or presence.
"Have you called your parents?" I asked him "we're getting married tomorrow, I think you should call them today". He called and they asked him one question, "do you love her?" He answered yes and that was enough.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
I just wanted to be happy
We had begun the plans for a small wedding. I called around to get a notary that could marry us. She said that she would provide a small hall that could occupy about 20 people. Figuring out who would invite was an easy process. We both decided that the people we had met were not life long friends and therefore invitees weren't anything we should be worrying about when we got married. I was interested in a dress though. As a little girl I always dreamed of that big gaudy dress. I wanted princess sleeves, no train, but something classic. The search was on because well essentially I had one week.
I went into bridal stores and could not find anything that suited me. I tried on dress after dress and was just becoming frustrated. Walking thorough a department store in the Mall I saw it. It was a simple white Jessica McClintock cocktail dress. It had a chocker attached with beading on the front. It was floor length, with embroidery on the skirt. I tried it on and fell in love with myself. Exactly what I was looking for nothing too fancy. It accentuated all my curves and had me looking classy. It was perfect.
The rings. We had decided that since I had asked him and because I earned more money than he did I would provide the rings. Shopping for rings was a little simpler. I knew exactly what I wanted. I had never liked yellow gold, since i felt it clashed with my complexion. I wanted white gold bands. I wanted a thin band at the most 2mm, simple with no inscription or etching, like my moms. I bought him something slightly bigger 5mm and complimentary to mine.
This was really going to happen. I had set my mind into something and it was going to happen. I was excited and scared and surprised and happy. In the end all I wanted was to be happy and that is exactly what I was.
I went into bridal stores and could not find anything that suited me. I tried on dress after dress and was just becoming frustrated. Walking thorough a department store in the Mall I saw it. It was a simple white Jessica McClintock cocktail dress. It had a chocker attached with beading on the front. It was floor length, with embroidery on the skirt. I tried it on and fell in love with myself. Exactly what I was looking for nothing too fancy. It accentuated all my curves and had me looking classy. It was perfect.
The rings. We had decided that since I had asked him and because I earned more money than he did I would provide the rings. Shopping for rings was a little simpler. I knew exactly what I wanted. I had never liked yellow gold, since i felt it clashed with my complexion. I wanted white gold bands. I wanted a thin band at the most 2mm, simple with no inscription or etching, like my moms. I bought him something slightly bigger 5mm and complimentary to mine.
This was really going to happen. I had set my mind into something and it was going to happen. I was excited and scared and surprised and happy. In the end all I wanted was to be happy and that is exactly what I was.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Exclusive
I decide that it was time to be exclusive. we had been doing this thing for a while and perhaps I should only be caring about his attention. So I said it, "lets be exclusive". "ok" he answered. Very anticlimactic but it was a yes nonetheless. I was getting ready to be shipped out sometime soon, no definite date but soon. He was getting ready to change schools. We decided that this could be what we wanted it to be, a meaningful relationship that would end when the times change.
I enjoyed being attached to him. We were doing all the same things as before, hanging out, laundry, and shopping but it was different this time we would hold hands and steal kisses. It was great. It was more than something to pass the time away. I felt good about myself. I loved the way he looked at me, the way he hung on my every word. He was all the attention I had been looking for. Then my ship out date came.
I was to go to Hawaii to meet my ship in March. So there was a date now for this thing to end. It was fun while it lasted but I was a little sad. We discussed perhaps trying to make it a long distance relationship but we both new it wouldn't work out. We both knew that we would find another person to fill the void that would be left. So in the end we were trying to take advantage of the time we had left, two weeks. One night as we were discussing what our plans were for the next coming months I turned to him and said "Marry me" and he said "ok".
I enjoyed being attached to him. We were doing all the same things as before, hanging out, laundry, and shopping but it was different this time we would hold hands and steal kisses. It was great. It was more than something to pass the time away. I felt good about myself. I loved the way he looked at me, the way he hung on my every word. He was all the attention I had been looking for. Then my ship out date came.
I was to go to Hawaii to meet my ship in March. So there was a date now for this thing to end. It was fun while it lasted but I was a little sad. We discussed perhaps trying to make it a long distance relationship but we both new it wouldn't work out. We both knew that we would find another person to fill the void that would be left. So in the end we were trying to take advantage of the time we had left, two weeks. One night as we were discussing what our plans were for the next coming months I turned to him and said "Marry me" and he said "ok".
Thursday, July 7, 2011
who's my Valentine again?
So even though we weren't exclusive he was to be my valentine come the 14th. Was it too early for gifts? Remember what happened last time I invested time into gifts. Maybe just a simple date would do. So the 14th came around. I had had a horrible day at my school and decided that in order to make up for the horrible day I would make little candy packages for all in my class and one for him. I worked hard on these packages and then went to deliver them. I kept one back for him. My pager went off. I didn't recognize the number. There was a message so I listened. Ahh it was a love song "shower me with your love". Who could've sent me this romantic message.
This was my new task for the day. I had to figure a way to ask who sent it where the correct person would get the credit and I didn't sound like some egotistical girl with too many boys to keep track of. So I casually asked him if he had sent me a page. He said yes! This relationship was just getting better and better. We decided to have another date that night and go to the movies. This was totally working out. We enjoyed the movie and then went back to base. We awkwardly walked to my room and since there were no boys allowed in my building, he walked me to under the stairs and this time kissed me passionately and melted my heart.
There was no question on who my valentine was that day.
This was my new task for the day. I had to figure a way to ask who sent it where the correct person would get the credit and I didn't sound like some egotistical girl with too many boys to keep track of. So I casually asked him if he had sent me a page. He said yes! This relationship was just getting better and better. We decided to have another date that night and go to the movies. This was totally working out. We enjoyed the movie and then went back to base. We awkwardly walked to my room and since there were no boys allowed in my building, he walked me to under the stairs and this time kissed me passionately and melted my heart.
There was no question on who my valentine was that day.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Will you be my Valentine?
I was a little surprised and perplexed. I know I had seen this in many romantic movies where its always the girl/boy next door. How it's that one friend that you never saw in that light. And now it had happened to me. I was being swept off my feet by a man who adored me. He listened to me, he liked spending time with me, and most of all he liked me. I started to reevaluate our relationship. He was a friend. A good friend. Could this possibly work? At this point I had about 3 other guys that I was dating. One guy was from back home, another guy I had met in florida, and the last guy was just a guy I had a crush on but nothing was going on.
this all occurred in the beginning part of February. As I evaluated this new situation that I had found myself in I decided that I should give him a chance. He was brave enough to make his feelings known the least I could do was explore the new situation. So I decided that we should go on a date. We went out to dinner at Olive Garden. We had a nice time, it was a bit awkward seeing that now we were very conscious on the way we acted. I decided that this situation could work so I then asked the most important question that night,
"Wil you be my Valentine?"
this all occurred in the beginning part of February. As I evaluated this new situation that I had found myself in I decided that I should give him a chance. He was brave enough to make his feelings known the least I could do was explore the new situation. So I decided that we should go on a date. We went out to dinner at Olive Garden. We had a nice time, it was a bit awkward seeing that now we were very conscious on the way we acted. I decided that this situation could work so I then asked the most important question that night,
"Wil you be my Valentine?"
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
And then he kissed me
We had been discussing all the guys that were attracted to me. he being my friend was giving me the low down on which ones truly respected and which ones just wanted to see a little too much from me. He was my confidant. He was my little spy of sorts, I wasn't asking him for the information but he was offering based on how these people conversed around him. He had me guess on who the people were and he would say yes or no. Then he said I had guessed all the names except for one. I racked my brain trying to figure it out. "Tell me pleeeese" I pleaded. He said no and then went on his merry way as if he hadn't said a thing and I wasn't dying to know.
"Is he a good guy? " I asked trying to find the clues to who this admirer was. "is he good looking, is he running after several girls or just me". The last one was very important to me. I do not want to be dropped for something better that comes along, and plus I am a jealous women and want to be the center of attention. "yes he is a good guy, I'm not one to judge men on their looks, and no he is not running after several girls. As a matter of fact he's been running after you for a while and feels you don't notice him." I was perplexed. Who had been after me that I was not noticing. I started to reevaluate every guy that I made any type of contact with.
"When will he make his move?" I asked hoping perhaps to be revealed the identity of this Romeo.
"how about now", he answered and then he kissed me.
"Is he a good guy? " I asked trying to find the clues to who this admirer was. "is he good looking, is he running after several girls or just me". The last one was very important to me. I do not want to be dropped for something better that comes along, and plus I am a jealous women and want to be the center of attention. "yes he is a good guy, I'm not one to judge men on their looks, and no he is not running after several girls. As a matter of fact he's been running after you for a while and feels you don't notice him." I was perplexed. Who had been after me that I was not noticing. I started to reevaluate every guy that I made any type of contact with.
"When will he make his move?" I asked hoping perhaps to be revealed the identity of this Romeo.
"how about now", he answered and then he kissed me.
Shopping
One day we decided to go shopping. I was looking for a pair of jeans and just needed someone to accompany me shopping. We decided to start our shopping trip at around 11 am. I went to his room and guess what, the man was not answering the door. So I left and got lunch and then came back at noon. The man again was not answering the door. I was getting upset, felt like perhaps I was getting stood up. As I was about to leave he came out. I looked confused and asked why he was not answering, he was napping. That was probably the first thing I found out about this man that was a permanent. He likes to nap. Personally I feel like a nap takes away from time that I could be doing something else.
So finally our shopping trip began. We started off at he Gap where I must have tried on about 15 different types of jeans none I felt were "the one". I tried pairing them with shirts and I just didn't fall in love with any of them. I was looking for that perfect pair that make you feel beautiful, and gorgeous, and desirable. While we were shopping we happen to meet up with our buddies we chill with. It had been payday the previous day so it was a normal occurrence that you spent your check at the mall.
The group that had gathered consisted of mostly african americans, one hispanic, one white guy. The group was about 12 people between the ages of 18-23, a mixture of men and women, all were members of the Navy. We looked like a normal group of Young adults who had money that were shopping. As we talked we were not being extra loud just catching up on what everyone was doing at the mall and wondering if we were going to get together later on. All of a sudden about 5 security guards surrounded us and the shop owners stood outside their stores as to be protective of their merchandise.
We continued to chit chat " Does everyone notice that we were just surrounded by security guards?", I asked. Everyone shook their heads and said yes. I wondered why. We all had money there was nothing unusual about meeting up at the mall, we had bags so we obviously were shopping. As we looked around we saw another group of people on the other end of the mall. They were about the same size of ours and they were people we knew from the base, so they were navy also around the same age, the only exception to this group is that they were all white. No one was surrounding them
One of the guys finally suggested that we should just leave and go about our business in the small groups that we had arrived with. everyone agreed. So we left and that was that. It was the first time I had ever experienced anything like that. Nothing even that would appear to be racist. As I discussed this with him he explained that he was use to this. He had grown up in the south and at times Klu Klux Klan Parades had gone through the City. I was from California where my High School had been named the most diverse High School in the US. We were definitely from 2 entirely different worlds.
So finally our shopping trip began. We started off at he Gap where I must have tried on about 15 different types of jeans none I felt were "the one". I tried pairing them with shirts and I just didn't fall in love with any of them. I was looking for that perfect pair that make you feel beautiful, and gorgeous, and desirable. While we were shopping we happen to meet up with our buddies we chill with. It had been payday the previous day so it was a normal occurrence that you spent your check at the mall.
The group that had gathered consisted of mostly african americans, one hispanic, one white guy. The group was about 12 people between the ages of 18-23, a mixture of men and women, all were members of the Navy. We looked like a normal group of Young adults who had money that were shopping. As we talked we were not being extra loud just catching up on what everyone was doing at the mall and wondering if we were going to get together later on. All of a sudden about 5 security guards surrounded us and the shop owners stood outside their stores as to be protective of their merchandise.
We continued to chit chat " Does everyone notice that we were just surrounded by security guards?", I asked. Everyone shook their heads and said yes. I wondered why. We all had money there was nothing unusual about meeting up at the mall, we had bags so we obviously were shopping. As we looked around we saw another group of people on the other end of the mall. They were about the same size of ours and they were people we knew from the base, so they were navy also around the same age, the only exception to this group is that they were all white. No one was surrounding them
One of the guys finally suggested that we should just leave and go about our business in the small groups that we had arrived with. everyone agreed. So we left and that was that. It was the first time I had ever experienced anything like that. Nothing even that would appear to be racist. As I discussed this with him he explained that he was use to this. He had grown up in the south and at times Klu Klux Klan Parades had gone through the City. I was from California where my High School had been named the most diverse High School in the US. We were definitely from 2 entirely different worlds.
Monday, July 4, 2011
What I was looking for
I met him when I was 18. I was in the Navy and at a prestigious trade school. I had joined the Navy when I was 17 and turned 18 in bootcamp. I met him one day in line for dinner. He was introduced to me by a mutual friend and he was just some guy I had met. Throughout the next 2 weeks every time he saw me he would run across the quad to say hi to me, even though he had a problem remembering my name I enjoyed the attention.
I was dating some random guy at the time. Nothing serious just someone to pass the time away with. I was getting ready to go home for Christmas and before I left I had bought my boyfriend gifts. I had spent probably about $200 on him. I bought 2 outfits and a cd and just random stuff to basically show how pleased I was in the situation I was in. I in turn received my gifts, a stuffed animal and a vhs tape of the grinch who stole christmas. Huh? I just want to make this clear. We did not have some inside joke or admiration for the movie. I had never mentioned how I desired the movie or even that I liked it, I also do not like stuffed animals. I find no purpose in them whatsoever. So I left for home with the thought of what the hell was he thinking. So I went home and visited friends and had fun and then it was time to return. I came back on January 1st and most people were not returning til the 3rd so it was pretty lonely on the base. Somehow I found him and he asked me how my Christmas was. I started to complain about the present my boyfriend had gave me. He then stated "It's the though that counts", I answered with "then obviously he didn't think very hard". That was the beginning of a great friendship.
He became my companion. Nothing romantic just my buddy I hung out with. He introduced me to the group of people he chilled with. I soon became part of the group. We would talk and eat dinner together. we had mandatory study time and would meet up afterwards like around 10 pm, listen to music or do laundry together. He helped me look for the culprit who stole my lingerie from the washer (never found them) and he gave me advice on the idiot boyfriend. He essentially became my best friend.
I was dating some random guy at the time. Nothing serious just someone to pass the time away with. I was getting ready to go home for Christmas and before I left I had bought my boyfriend gifts. I had spent probably about $200 on him. I bought 2 outfits and a cd and just random stuff to basically show how pleased I was in the situation I was in. I in turn received my gifts, a stuffed animal and a vhs tape of the grinch who stole christmas. Huh? I just want to make this clear. We did not have some inside joke or admiration for the movie. I had never mentioned how I desired the movie or even that I liked it, I also do not like stuffed animals. I find no purpose in them whatsoever. So I left for home with the thought of what the hell was he thinking. So I went home and visited friends and had fun and then it was time to return. I came back on January 1st and most people were not returning til the 3rd so it was pretty lonely on the base. Somehow I found him and he asked me how my Christmas was. I started to complain about the present my boyfriend had gave me. He then stated "It's the though that counts", I answered with "then obviously he didn't think very hard". That was the beginning of a great friendship.
He became my companion. Nothing romantic just my buddy I hung out with. He introduced me to the group of people he chilled with. I soon became part of the group. We would talk and eat dinner together. we had mandatory study time and would meet up afterwards like around 10 pm, listen to music or do laundry together. He helped me look for the culprit who stole my lingerie from the washer (never found them) and he gave me advice on the idiot boyfriend. He essentially became my best friend.
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